University’s energy system to include renewable resources like student anger, tears

In response to the structural deficit, the University of Alberta’s utilities group has developed a new system to relieve this stress while maximizing profits. The technology, called VENTING, uses the hot air generated by the students fired up by recent protests to power turbines located in Dewey’s and the former Fine Arts Building.

Stations are going to be installed in every washroom, classroom, help room, hallway, staff room, board room, on-campus residence, Campus St. Jean, anywhere international and arts students aggregate, and the Overheard Facebook group. It is hoped that this will wean the university off of other resources like natural gas, fossil fuels, and optimism about the future by the next Board of Governors meeting.

“At first, we had plans to increase student happiness to generate positive energy for the whole campus,” said Rave Turnip, the system’s architect. “But then we figured out that we could cut costs and generate power at the same time by pissing off everyone.”

Other upgrades to the system includes collecting the tears of Lister residents and using a new desalination plant to purify them. It is hoped that the salt collected can be used in their food at a premium, starting the cycle over again.

“These tears are really delicious! Mmh! Can’t get enough of them!” said Turnip.

When asked about the long-term consequences of draining the students, Turnip stared uncomfortably long into the soul of this reporter while slurping loudly from his cup (which read “Liquidated Arts Assets”).

In recent days, the excess energy created by students has failed to be contained, spreading to other parts of the city and other campuses. It has been projected that it may infect this entire country, reversing universal entropy. The Getaway tried to interview one of the most significant contributors to the system in the last month, Jay Lapp, but were unable to handle the heat.

“I’M STILL PISSED! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” said Lapp, just before ascending to his final form.

Currently, the energy gathered is being used to heat the SAB administration offices, followed by Turnip’s house, vacation home, and evil lair.