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The 2021 Purity Test: Work From Home Edition

Take a break from doing high-stakes schoolwork and quizzes on your computer and take this low-stakes quiz instead.

Welcome to the 2021 Purity Test. This past year has been referred to as “unprecedented times,” but there is one thing that remains constant: the purity, or rather, impurity, of our campus and broader Edmonton community. Has social distancing, online learning, and work from home orders purified you? Or has it brought out “unprecedented” sides of your soul? Take the test to find out.

Questions are framed as “Have you ever…?” Check off the box if you have done the activity and total your score to find out exactly how pure (or impure) you are!

The Gateway does not condone any behaviour that puts yourself or others at risk during the COVID-19 pandemic. Please follow all public health guidelines. You can visit alberta.ca/covid19 for relevant information in the province of Alberta. If you are currently residing outside of the province, we encourage you to familiarize yourself with the guidelines in your region.

VICES AND FUCK-UPS

HAVE YOU EVER…

Accidentally unmuted during a lecture?

 
 

• And farted?

 
 

• While talking shit about another student?

 
 

• While talking shit about the professor?

 
 

Cheated on a test?

 
 

• During a monitored exam?

 
 

Forgot about a quiz?

 
 

• A midterm?

 
 

• A final?

 
 

Faked having COVID to get out of an assignment?

 
 

Downloaded TikTok?

 
 

• Learned a TikTok dance?

 
 

• Are you TikTok famous?

 
 

Turned on your lecture and fell asleep?

 
 

Handed in an assignment late?

 
 

Ghosted group project members?

 
 

• Sent an email to the prof about group members slacking off?

 
 

• Did the prof do anything about it?

 
 

Forgotten to pay tuition?

 
 

Forgotten your mask in the car?

 
 

• Purposely refused to wear a mask?

 
 

Been arrested?

 
 

• Spent time in jail?

 
 

Been kicked out of a Zoom call?

 
 

• Hack into a Zoom call you’re not supposed to be in?

 
 

Forgotten to turn off your camera while going to the bathroom on a Zoom call?

 
 

Had eClass crash during an exam?

 
 

• On the first day of class?

 
 

Been unable to take off a filter during a Zoom call?

 
 

• Was it a cat filter?

 
 

Gone to a party during stay-at-home orders?

 
 

Met up with people while knowing you had COVID?

 
 

Rubbed your eyes after using hand sanitizer?

 
 

Been pantsless during a Zoom call?

 
 

• Did someone see?

 
 

• Was it your boss?

 
 

Had a pet run into frame during a Zoom call?

 
 

• Was it a cat?

 
 

• Was it a dog?

 
 

SEX

HAVE YOU EVER…

Kissed someone?

 
 

• Stuck your tongue in their mouth?

 
 

Masturbated?

 
 

• More than once a day?

 
 

• While in a Zoom call?

 
 

Had sex?

 
 

• With someone from Lister?

 
 

• In Lister?

 
 

• Was it floorcest?

 
 

• While unmuted on a Zoom call?

 
 

• With your boss?

 
 

• With someone married, but not to you?

 
 

• With your boss’s wife?

 
 

• While wearing masks?

 
 

• Had a threesome?

 
 

Performed or received a handjob/fingering?

 
 

• During a Zoom call?

 
 

• Was it unmuted?

 
 

Performed or received oral sex?

 
 

• During a Zoom call?

 
 

69?

 
 

Performed or received anal sex?

 
 

Had an “entanglement” ?

 
 

Asked someone out in the Zoom chat?

 
 

• And they said yes?

 
 

• And gotten engaged?

 
 

• And married?

 
 

Had phone sex?

 
 

Had Zoom sex?

 
 

Created an OnlyFans?

 
 

Sold feet pics?

 
 

Sexted?

 
 

• Sent nudes?

 
 

Watched porn?

 
 

• While you were supposed to be in a Zoom call?

 
 

• Streamed the same porn with a long-distance significant other?

 
 

Tried to booty call someone?

 
 

• During the pandemic?

 
 

Contracted an STI?

 
 

• Hid it from a partner?

 
 

Do you own a dildo?

 
 

• A butt plug?

 
 

• Does the butt plug have a tail attached?

 
 

• Does the butt plug have a sparkly crystal?

 
 

• A fleshlight?

 
 

• Handcuffs?

 
 

• Are they fluffy?

 
 

Fantasized about having sex with someone in your Zoom class?

 
 

• Was it your TA?

 
 

• Was it your prof?

 
 

ALCOHOL AND DRUGS

HAVE YOU EVER…

Been drunk?

 
 

• From vodka?

 
 

• From tequila?

 
 

• From Hennessy?

 
 

• From Everclear?

 
 

• From White Claw?

 
 

• From hand sanitizer?

 
 

Gone to class drunk?

 
 

• And kept drinking?

 
 

• Shared the drink with a classmate?

 
 

Been drunk during a Zoom call?

 
 

• Done lines during a Zoom call?

 
 

• Popped a perc during a Zoom call?

 
 

Vaped or Juuled?

 
 

• Talked about vaping or juuling?

 
 

• Do you have different flavours?

 
 

Made weed brownies?

 
 

• Sold them?

 
 

• Accidentally let someone eat one?

 
 

Had alcohol poisoning?

 
 

Drank so much you puked?

 
 

• In someone else’s bed?

 
 

• And blamed it on someone else?

 
 

Ordered an obscene amount of McDonald’s while drunk?

 
 

Played beer pong?

 
 

• Played beer pong and called it a socially-distanced hangout?

 
 

Sat through an exam drunk?

 
 

• And passed?

 
 

Had a shower beer?

 
 

Taken ____ shots in a row?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Been hungover?

 
 

• Drank more to get rid of the hangover?

 
 

• Drank for 3 days in a row?

 
 

Been to a bar?

 
 

• During the pandemic?

 
 

• Tried to take someone home with you?

 
 

Done shrooms?

 
 

• LSD?

 
 

• Cocaine?

 
 

• Meth?

 
 

Taken Adderall to study?

 
 

Smoked a cigarette?

 
 

• A cigar?

 
 

• Had wine?

 
 

• Had White Claw?

 
 

• Unironically said “White Claw is my favourite alcoholic beverage” ?

 
 

VIOLENCE

HAVE YOU EVER…

Played Among Us?

 
 

• Been the imposter?

 
 

• Ratted out your fellow imposter?

 
 

• Won as the imposter?

 
 

• Self-reported a kill?

 
 

Gotten into a fight in Facebook comments?

 
 

• Was it about American politics?

 
 

Spread misinformation about the virus?

 
 

Said racist things about the virus?

 
 

Attended an anti-mask protest?

 
 

Fought an anti-masker?

 
 

Stood less than 6 feet apart from a stranger?

 
 

Corrected the professor in a Zoom lecture?

 
 

• And made a fool of yourself?

 
 

Asked friends to do a TikTok with you?

 
 

Had a birthday party on a private island in the middle of a pandemic?

 
 

Built snow penguins to protest budget cuts to post-secondary education?

 
 

Incited an insurrection?

 
 

Committed arson?

 
 

Conspired to assassinate someone?

 
 

Gotten into a fistfight?

 
 

• A knife fight?

 
 

• A gun fight?

 
 

Smashed a beer bottle over someone’s head the way they do in movies?

 
 

Been stabbed?

 
 

• On the LRT?

 
 

Owned a switchblade?

 
 

Owned a gun?

 
 

Owned an absolute dump truck of an ass?

 
 

Pretended your internet cut out to leave a meeting early?

 
 

Required your students / employees to have cameras on during a meeting?

 
 

Included participation marks in the syllabus of an online course?

 
 

• Refused to record lectures for students in different time zones?

 
 

FOOD AND GLUTTONY

HAVE YOU EVER…

Started making sourdough bread in the last year?

 
 

• Made clout bread?

 
 

• Used the TikTok tortilla wrap hack?

 
 

• Made dalgona coffee?

 
 

Been lactose intolerant?

 
 

• Continued to eat cheese anyway?

 
 

• Continued to drink bubble tea anyway?

 
 

Ordered delivery from Skipthedishes?

 
 

• Ubereats?

 
 

• DoorDash?

 
 

• Fantuan?

 
 

Not tipped your driver?

 
 

Ordered food for pickup?

 
 

• From a small, local business?

 
 

Eaten from the Lister cafeteria?

 
 

Eaten in HUB?

 
 

Eaten ass?

 
 

Grown your own herb garden?

 
 

• … did they survive past a week?

 
 

• Grown your own “herb” garden?

 
 

Tried to compost your food scraps?

 
 

• And caused a fruit fly colony to breed?

 
 

Learned to cook at least one dish since the pandemic began?

 
 

Showed people what you made during Zoom meetings?

 
 

Written a Gateway to Gastronomy segment?

 
 

Tried a Gateway to Gastronomy recipe?

 
 

Made chapaguri with steak?

 
 

BONUS ROUND

HAVE YOU EVER…

Been the only person to answer a prof’s question in Zoom class?

 
 

Posted about The Gateway on reddit?

 
 

Felt like your home has become a liminal space?

 
 

Obsessively played Animal Crossing for a month, then never touched it again?

 
 

Started a collection of house plants?

 
 

Gone three days without showering?

 
 

• Four days?

 
 

• Five?

 
 

• Six?

 
 

• A week?

 
 

Binge-watched Tiger King ?

 
 

Emily in Paris ?

 
 

Queen’s Gambit ?

 
 

Bridgerton ?

 
 

Adopted a pet during the pandemic?

 
 

Stockpiled toilet paper?

 
 

Made your own hand sanitizer?

 
 

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