I actually enjoy the government spying on me

Hi there ;)

Please stop bullying the government for spying on us. I like that they spy on us.

It’s comforting. I feel… seen. I feel like someone actually is looking out for my well-being. I don’t ever have to be alone again, wallowing in my grief and sadness, because there will always be a man from CSIS looking through my laptop webcam, an Amazon employee listening to my woes through my Alexa.

After I shut out everyone I knew from the inner workings of my life — my friends, my parents, my pets — I realized I was even more alone than ever. I, of course, am not emotionally ready or mature enough to open up and welcome back those people into my life, but hey, a government employee is at least there, at arms’ length, always ready to leap in and listen to me. So that’s good enough for now. One day I’ll stop being a NEET and start being a functioning member of society, but until then the government has got my back.

Wait, privacy concerns? What do you mean by “identity theft?” Do you literally know anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who would want to be me? Are you for real? My credit score is dogshit, I have exactly $6.38 in my chequing account, and I have no friends. I have absolutely no concerns about the government, or some nefarious other dorks, stealing my information. Besides, it’s not really stealing when I totally consented to this from the day I was born.


Did I?

Oh fuck.

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