Marble Pedestal: Me

Here are three airtight arguments as to why I'm just the best

Some people say there are a lot of great people in this world. This is not true. If we’re talking objectively, almost every person on this earth is absolute trash. The reason? There is only one good person, and that’s me.

First of all, I’m just the best looking person ever. Imagine the most attractive person you’ve ever seen. Now make them hotter. Now imagine that person, but even better. You haven’t even gotten close to how good I look. It doesn’t matter what your orientation is, or even if you’re attracted to anyone, the moment you see this hot bod you will be overcome with lust. Here, have a picture. Wait, there is no picture? Exactly. Any visual representation wouldn’t do me justice, and because I am the greatest artist ever to live, I can’t let that tragedy happen. You’ll just have to see me in person.

I’m also super smart. I might have C’s in all my classes, but that’s actually just because I’m smarter than all my professors, and they just don’t get what I’m saying when I try to blow their minds with my advanced facts and logic.

Finally, I’m pretty sure I’m the best comedian too. I don’t even have to try, when I say anything, people just start breaking out laughing, so I bet if I did stand up I would be the best at it. I probably won’t because I don’t have the time, but you know I would really good it.

In conclusion, I am the best. I am very good looking, I am smarter than probably anyone, and I am super funny. I’m not like, lonely or anything, because I have a lot of friends, but if you want to know me so you can know how great I am, please call me (my mom will probably pick up but just ask her to give me the phone), and we can like, have a date or something? Haha, just kidding, but like, if you are interested, you should call me (IF YOU ARE UGLY PLEASE DO NOT CALL ME I AM NOT INTERESTED IN UGLY PEOPLE ONLY HOT PEOPLE PLEASE).

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