Kesia DiasLister Hall, known for trapping starry-eyed freshman in a tormented shithole that permanently smells of piss, is at the centre of a newly discovered epidemic.
After several students came down with a mysterious illness, doctors from the faculty of medicine ran a series of tests and their results yielded a startling revelation.
A new kind of cancer, dubbed Listeroma, has been traced back to the University of Alberta residence. 420 students have already died.
“We’re not sure exactly where the cancer originated,” says Dr. Edwin Bola, “But there’s strong evidence to suggest that it’s the food.”
Unfortunately, as if it wasn’t enough to have a new kind of fucking cancer on their hands, the university may be facing an extortion lawsuit, as those poor, poor freshman souls are considering pressing charges against the U of A over such terrible living conditions for simply wanting to get out of their parent’s houses.
“I’d say living in Lister is somewhere between living in a damp, dark coal mine where you can barely breathe and a textile factory during pre-industrial revolution Europe,” said one student, who couldn’t be identified because the fumes in Lister made them forget their own name.
Preliminary tests are still being conducted, and the university is still debating how to proceed. The Students’ Union declined an interview, as The Getaway could not find a single representative anywhere as they too have succumbed to the epidemic.
The university has offered its condolences to the victims and their families, although the real tragedy is that you still pay $4,500 for the meal plan.
