Lister meal plan to be replaced by hunger games

The Board of Governors has approved a new program to quell the unrest (and further divide) among on-campus residents: The Hunger Games. Bets have already opened for who will survive from Peter Lougheed, Augustana, HUB, Henday Hall, Mackenzie Hall, Kelsey Hall, Schäffer Hall, Swede Hall (formerly Lister 5), and District 1987 (formerly the squatters in the Fine Arts Building).

“I’ve seen a hundred people fighting over a single chicken dinner online, so I thought, “Hey, that’s really cost effective. Let’s do that,”” President Swede said. “We haven’t tried something like this in a couple of years, so it’s nice to see a resurgence.”

Tributes will train and be housed in the Lister Hostel spaces until the first week of September. From there, they will be paraded around campus during Week of Welcome celebrations, with the games beginning during the weekend in the Butterdome. The event will be live-streamed on Twitch, Youtube, Facebook Live, and E-class, and in exchange for donations, tributes can receive care-packages of food, beer, textbooks, Folio, and other miscellaneous equipment that cannot be redeemed for tax returns.  

“Oh my god, here we go again,” said Mitch Natty, the disgruntled janitor. “It took me nearly three damn months to get the stains out the last time this ran.”

Tickets have already sold-out, making it the most popular sport in the university’s history. It is also the most engaging among students, with proposals of another Hunger Games being planned next year.

“Victory will never taste so good. I mean, it’s been a long time since I’ve eaten anything,” said Kate Niss, tribute for HUB, while honing her Devastating Dodgeball Death-spike.

The winner will receive a declining balance meal plan for the rest of their undergraduate degree, though they will still be required to eat in the cafeteria at the same time as everyone else.

“It’s still better than the other meal plan,” said Pita Malarkey. “Hopefully I can take-out the competition. Mmmh, Take-out.”