High Purity Test scores are a sign of wisdom and plentiful life experience

by Jon Zilinski

This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time. Now, where would we be without pain, sacrifice and the Tyler Durdens of the world?

I am Jack’s purity test score

This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time. Now, where would we be without pain, sacrifice and the Tyler Durdens of the world?

I am Jack’s Purity Test score

A high purity test score isn’t just about being a badass. It sets us apart, acting as an extension of self-discovery. In years past, some Purity Test questions have inevitably made me think — hmm, maybe I should try that.

Obviously, crystal meth or being part of a human centipede have never really been up my ally, but come on, who doesn’t want to vape from a volcano or film an amateur sex tape?

High scores shouldn’t be viewed with disdain for being “impure.” Instead those with 251+ scores should be praised for their wisdom. These knowledgeable students hold the answers to important university questions. Are you nervous for your test tomorrow? They know where to get the Adderall. Are you bored with your sex life? They know the best time if you want to fuck in a lecture theatre. Hell, they might just know how to make napalm out of gasoline and orange juice concentrate.

So if you’re filling out the Purity Test this year and you’re feeling a little vanilla, fuck it. Write three things down that you want to do and complete them by year’s end. Try absinthe, eat a Tombstone and even kiss somebody of the same sex if you haven’t before. Is your successful boyfriend too caught up in himself to notice your boredom?

If you want to be extreme, drop acid, rap battle and set up a BDSM chamber. Regardless of the outcomes of your escapades, you’ll find something out about yourself and maybe one day wake up as a different person.

Purity of soul and action is a virtue we should value in our everyday lives

by Lisa Szabo

Oh, purity — the noblest of all virtues. Think strong and chaste Athena, protective and virginal Artemis — two classical emblems of purity who still remained badass in the best way. They didn’t need hallucinogens or orgies to make themselves feel accomplished, and neither should you. Don’t let my opponent talk you into thinking that in order to be a more knowledgeable person you have to masturbate in public. You just need to watch your friends get arrested to accomplish that.

In our highly liberal culture, we have lost sight of some values that should be maintained — not only for the sake of health, but for dignity. Why is it cool to be out of control? To be passed out on the bathroom floor after puking up a 2-6? To not know how many people have put their body parts inside your body parts? Gross. If you want to feel cool and cultured, read a book, go to a festival or engage in a wicked conversation about China’s socio-political climate. You will never feel better about yourself or more involved in the world. Anyone can have sex in public, but most people can’t hold a meaningful discussion.

Did you score low on the Purity Test? Don’t worry. It actually means you’re the best. It means that while your friends are out trying to score mushrooms off some guy who probably hasn’t showered in a month, you’re playing pool with your handsome and successful doctor boyfriend, whose eye you first caught with your ultra-skilled shoulder stand in Karma Class. Maintaining a level of purity doesn’t mean you’re destined for a life of lonely Friday nights and reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos with your parents (shout out to Bob Saget). It means your list of goals extends farther than “get fisted” and “try five new street drugs by 2016.”

Want to be pure? You can still have fun. You can even buy a sex swing. Just don’t park it on your front lawn.

Now you know what we think, but what about you? What did you get on this year’s Purity Test?