Week of Welcome is actually a religion, not a cult

Have you heard of our Lord and saviour, Guba? Week of Welcome (WoW) has released a statement clarifying that they are a religion after years of denying that they are a cult.

“I mean think about it; the WoW Crowd, the sacred textbooks, the ethical code of conduct, the yearly week-long ceremony,” said Vera Que, Archbishop of the Butterdome. “We welcome all. Students seek salvation in Guba, inspire others with the teachings of Guba, spread the love of Guba.”

The inner workings of WoW are shrouded in mystery, as all the undercover news reporters we sent have returned with a loot bag, new vibrant clothes, and over 9,000 facts about Lister (that nobody asked for). For the duration of the week, they drop off the face of the Earth before resurfacing in a disoriented, withdrawal-like state in the middle of Main Quad.

“They go in cynical, slightly apathetic. You know, normal,” said Skip Teck, news editor at The Getaway. “A couple days later, they come out optimistic, rejuvenated, like they actually got enough sleep. Next, they’re saying how they’ve got a new family.”

Some have claimed there were frequent periods of questioning to open up students vulnerabilities. Others say they were forced to play life-or-death games, where it was hunt or be hunted. Most concerning, however, is their use of social psychology to immediately render crowds of people into a silent, obedient state simply by clapping.

“The chants, man. The chants,” said So Silowkas, a student who escaped from WoW after being dragged to safety by a friend. “Ranked beneath whose glowing colours, thy legions march enrolled!”

WoW’s adherents number in the thousands and can be easily identified by the prominent visage of Patches or Guba, the two patron deities whose unrelenting gaze judges you for your lack of (school) spirit. Additionally, they’ve hit back against criticisms of brainwashing by claiming they are simply efficient in raising hopes and merchandising the hell out of it.  

“Holy relics for sale! We got WoW scarves, sweatpants, t-shirts, backpacks, bobbleheads, stickers, pocketbooks, alarm clocks, smartphone covers, toilet paper, houseplants, glasses, DVDs, sports gear, teabags, cutlery, saddles, condoms, and lingerie!” said a WoW hawker crowd-surfing in SUB. “Show your status and complete your collection today!”

Critics of WoW say the event is nothing more than a tax write-off for the true mastermind, the Students’ Union, and that it should be downgraded to the status of other cults like GovWeek and Dodgeball. Others have contended that Dodgeball should be a religion because “dodgeball is life,” while GovWeek should not even be a cult since they have no members.

While WoW is for everyone, and they do appreciate everyone’s zeal, some have some reservations about how the canon is interpreted.

“Dude, all that we ask is for adherents not to lewd the Gub,” says Tem Blur, an official WoW commissioned artist.

Guba is love, Guba is life. Praise be to Guba!