Aramark’s new meal plan: “We’re literally gonna shove this shit down your sorry throats”

In response to numerous outcries from Lister residents regarding the new meal plan proposal, Aramark has introduced what they call a more “comprehensive plan” where Lister residents are literally strapped into tables and force-fed Caf food at mealtimes. Citing difficulties with appeasing residents in their old plans, Aramark is hoping this new plan will cause as little fuss as possible.

“Lister residents are incredibly ungrateful for the services we provide,” one representative said. “You wanna fight us on this? Well, we’re gonna teach you sorry little shits a lesson in gratitude and humility.”

In their new plan, Aramark stated that they will be sending hit squads wearing red-and-black camouflage to seize residents and take them to the Caf. From there, residents will be strapped to a chair and force-fed by a robotic food shovel with the words “EAT OR DIE” printed on it. Residents no longer have to select from a bland and unappetizing menu as chefs will simply dump whatever they feel like, edible or not, onto the food shovels, eliminating menu squabbles.

“In all honesty, I think this is a fantastic move,” an Aramark chef said. “I literally don’t have to give a single fuck about what I’m making. I just have to put something in the food shovels and I’ll get paid. It doesn’t even have to be food. I could put like, a potted plant in there and it would work.”

“I mean, I didn’t really care before, but THIS is some next level shit. I fucking love it.”

After a meal, residents will have their bank accounts emptied to help pay for the production of food and the upkeep of the food shovel. If the resident has no money at the end of their next meal, they will be enslaved and forced to clean dishes to pay off their debt.

Lister residents who have tried to speak out against this new move have mysteriously disappeared. No one knows why, and no one knows where they’ve gone. Some residents claim they have heard blood-curdling screams coming from Aramark offices, but these reports have been written off mostly as hearsay. One resident voiced their fears about the new plan.

“How could they do this? Is this even legal?” they asked. “I swear I’ve seen dudes in black and red suits and sunglasses staring me down before I walk into my lectures. I’m afraid to even be on campus. I’m not crazy. Please tell me I’m not crazy?”

When asked about rumors of disappearing residents, Aramark representatives said that they had no knowledge about disappearing residents, but that they were disappointed the residents won’t be able to experience the new meal plan.