Why we need more broken escalators

Escalators are SO fucked up.

Moving stairs? What the hell, get off that spooky crazy carnival ride, you fucking idiot. I’m convinced that I will die due to some insane escalator related accident. This is a fact I have come to terms with. But let me tell you: I am NOT happy about it. That’s why I’m always glad when some unbelievably sad looking man comes to campus and removes every single step on an escalator, revealing its horrifying, terrible insides.

You might have seen that recent video of an escalator in Hong Kong fucking multiple people up heavily. This is a prime example of why escalators are evil and should be removed from all public spaces. They’re dangerous, they’re bad, and frankly, they’re not good. Who has ever needed to use an escalator? If you’re fat, the stairs are better anyways.

Stairs are a much better alternative in every single way. They don’t move, they’re quiet, and they don’t need electricity. Do you know how many people have died in escalator accidents? A lot. Somewhere upwards of 17. Unnecessary deaths for the sake of idealistic terminator stairs. Do you know how many people have died on stairs? None. Zero. No one. It’s impossible to fuck up walking on stairs, they’re so easy to use. Just move one foot then move the other one. You’re done. People don’t die on stairs.

That’s why I’m excited to announce I’ll be presenting “Get rid of all escalators” as the 2017-2018 plebiscite in the SU elections. My campaign manager will be the wildly successful APIRG “No” guy.

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