Do you have an interest in astronomy but have trouble navigating the sky? Are you fascinated by the beauty of the stars but just can’t connect the dots? Familiarize yourself with this generation’s most important constellations and see if you can pick them out amongst the more well-known classics next time you have a clear night.
Connor McDavid
In every era there come those who inspire us to be greater than we could ever have imagined and liberate us from the despondence of the world. Achilles, bane of Hector, fighting for glory and for peace. Hercules, whose Twelve Labours transcend time and legend. Orion, a symbol of power and strength for all. Today it is McDavid, the saviour of a city whose deeds, like the stars of his heavenly effigy, are a glimmer of light, of hope, in these dark days.
PatTHICC
Yeah, we’ve seen enough Black Mirror to know where this is going. Memes have grown from “When You See It, You’ll Shit Brix” to a friendly doggo booping a second doggo with kind remarks to our childhood cartoon favourites like Spongebob and Patrick engaging in explicit sexual acts. It’s a train with no brakes, and nobody is safe. PatTHICC resides in the stars to safeguard the iron grip of meme influence on our generation; with stern eyes he watches.
The Line-Up for the Tims in CAB
Sometimes, you really fuckin’ need a turkey bacon club with no tomatoes and a medium Ice Capp. You just really, really need it. This constellation, streaking all the way across the sky, is a tribute to diehards willing to suffer the double-double shits and a 45-minute wait for a taste of that sweet nectar.
Vape Lord Chad Maximilian III
Dope-ass juice flavours and wicked smoke rings come to those who wish upon stars in this constellation. Chad Maximilian, or “Max-Attack” as his bros call him, watches over every type of night out, from Cards Against Humanity with your parents to falling out the emergency exit of the Ranch bus like the goddamn beautiful disaster you are.
The Pug
Nothing quite sums up what it feels like to be a young adult than a small chubby waddler with congested sinuses who really wants nothing at all but to have a few naps a day with naps in between. What good are the stars if you can’t look up and see a reflection of yourself? Sometimes, you don’t need the answers to life’s big questions. Sometimes, a belly rub and a scratch under the rolls will suffice.
