Ab SchAries (March 21 – April 19)
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!! If you’re shy, you still have to go talk to the man. You’re 19 now, it’s time to be an adult.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Take 5 hot dogs put them under the sunny couch, if you run out of hot dog buns, you can plant sesame seeds to grow more buns.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your horoscope is the best horoscope, I know it, they know it, everyone knows it. I know horoscopes better than anyone, look at my fucking horoscopes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Travel plans have changed, throw out your old car, get a new car, don’t get a new engine. Take the old engine, drive your uncle grandpa to work.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
“This old fuck was like, not to be nitpicky, but you can’t walk up one flight of stairs?”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Sorry, I’m reading Chris Colabello’s stats, I’ll think of something else later.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your finances are awful. Stop spending all of your money at HMV, learn how to torrent movies you idiot.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
“Why are you friends with her on Facebook?”
“Because she likes me.”
“Whatever, I fucked her daughter.”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t take your kids to Ikea, trolls live in the drawers. Also the toys are terrifiyng, there’s a plush wolf with a velcro tummy that when you open it, a grandma falls out. Not a place for children.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Write it down in your journal, put it in your dresser and only show the few people you know are your friends and the couple of people who might be your friend. Only take it out on Sundays at 11:00 p.m. EST
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Forget about the organization you’re in charge of, you haven’t been to class since Oct 4th. Go write two midterms in 24 hours and take the bus home.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are a magical creature that no one quite understands yet, just remember that you have strawberry tits. So make a smoothie and call your bedroom the capital. P.s. can you find the purple? we couldn’t until Oct 24th @ 1:39 p.m.
