The 2023 Purity Test: Glass Onion Edition

Welcome to the 2023 Purity Test. It’s a big, cut-throat world out there. If you want to be powerful, you need to do whatever it takes to succeed. But just remember, there are hundreds of others who are also trying to make it, and you don’t know where they draw the line. So, who’re you going to be? The teacher trying to avenge her sister, the idiot billionaire who takes himself too seriously, the detective trying to defend the law, the idiot misogynistic influencer, or the hot girl people underestimate? Only one way to find out.

Most questions are framed as “Have you ever…?” Check off the box if you have done the activity and click “Submit” to find out exactly how pure (or impure) you are!

Photography by Arthur Macatangay.

The Gateway does not condone any behaviour that puts yourself or others at risk during the COVID-19 pandemic. Please follow all public health guidelines. You can visit alberta.ca/covid19 for relevant information in the province of Alberta. If you are currently residing outside of the province, we encourage you to familiarize yourself with the guidelines in your region.

 

GLASS ONION

HAVE YOU EVER…
—–

 Watched Glass Onion? (+1)

 Watched because James Bond had a weird Southern accent? (+2)

 Admired Benoit Blanc’s pin-striped swimsuit, and wondered where you could get your own? (+5)

 Did you figure out the plot twist before it happened? (noice!) (-10)

 Tweeted about how predictable and ‘woke’ it was after? (+10)

 Defended the character Miles Bron for being an ingenious entrepreneur when everyone was mocking him on Twitter? (+10)

 Realized Miles Bron was really just Elon Musk? (-5)

—–

 Built your entire personality and brand around a really bad metaphor? (+1)

 Was it about onions? (+2)

 When you were watching, did you make a stupid joke about how ogres have layers? (that joke died years ago – it’s time to move on) (+10)

—–

 Sacrificed your morals to further your career? (+5)

 Including committing perjury? (+10)

—–

 Dated someone so they could fund your lifestyle, so you could ultimately pursue a degree in psychology? (let’s be honest – Whiskey was right for this one) (+5)

 Stolen the work from a long-time friend and passed it off as your own? (+5)

 Murdered them to get away with it? (+10)

 

VICES AND FUCKUPS

HAVE YOU EVER…
—–

 Had your ARC Card malfunction when the city made the switch? (+5)

 Lost your ARC Card? (+1)

 Before/after you’ve figured out how it actually works? (+3)

 Lost your whole wallet? (+1)

—–
Walked slow in…

 HUB Mall? (+10)

 the Chemistry hallway? (+10)

—–

 Used the SU’s new furniture in SUB? (+1)

 Did you sleep on them? (-5)

 Did you stain them? (+10)

—–

 Saw the water feature at SUB? (+1)

 Did you touch the water feature, thinking the water was fake? (+5)

 Have you pissed on the water feature? (+10)

—–

 Gone to the Break The Record (BTR) dodgeball game? (+1)

 Got out of the game 5 minutes into it? (+2)

 Kept the BTR T-shirt after the game? (+2)

 Got mad about it on social media? (+3)

 In the The Gateway’s comment section? (+5)

—–

 Participated in AntiFreeze? (+1)

 Chugged a cold bottle of rootbeer in Main Quad? (+3)

 Threw up afterwards? (-1)

 Ate a bunch of popsicle sticks? (+3)

 Wiped out from one of those scooters from gym class during Hungry Hungry Hippos? (+3)

 Got confused and ran a lot during the scavenger hunt? (+5)

 Danced in front of random people at SUBStage? (+5)

 Did a lame skit for your cocktail drink? (+10)

—–

 Went to the WEM Waterpark Splash & Bash? (+1)

 Got stuck in line and didn’t get to go in? (+5)

—–

 Bought a blue checkmark on Twitter? (+1)

 Bragged about it? (+3)

—–

 Caught COVID this year? (+1)

 For the first time? (RIP) (+5)

 And given it to someone else? (+10)

—–

 Skipped a class? (+1)

 Multiple classes? (+5)

 Only showed up to the midterm and final? (+10)

 Then emailed your professor begging for a better mark when you didn’t do well? (+5)

 Skipped the midterm and final? (+5)

 Specifically so you can defer your exams for your own gain? (+10)

—–
Fell asleep…

 During an 8 a.m. class? (+3)

 During a night class? (+3)

 During a lab? (+5)

 In a hallway? (+5)

 On the benches in Tory? (+5)

—–

 Ghosted group project members? (+2)

 Sent an email to the prof about group members slacking off? (-1)

 Gave a fake number for the group chat? (+5)

—–

 Bought monthly parking passes for a full semester? (+1)

 For the whole year? (+5)

 Became friends with the coyote in Stadium? (-5)

 Reported the coyote in Stadium? (+5)

 Parked in an insanely tight space successfully? (-2)

 Involved in a hit and run? (+10)

—–

 Bought a $200 dollar textbook? (-10)

 Because of a homework code? (-10)

 Just didn’t buy it? (+1)

 Bought it from a stranger you met on the internet (+2)

 Buying it from a stranger, but not transferring them the money at all? (+5)

 Pirate it online? (+5)

—–
Binge-watched…

 The Last of Us? (+1)

 Wednesday? (+1)

 Ginny and Georgia? (+1)

 Bluey? (+1)

 After seeing it in your TikTok FYP? (+3)

 Cried while watching Bluey clips? (+3)

 In Rutherford? (+3)

 When you were supposed to be studying for midterms and finals? (+5)

 

SEX

HAVE YOU EVER…
—–

 Kissed someone? (+1)

—–

 Masturbated? (+1)

—–

 Sexted? (+1)

—–

 Performed a handjob, heavy petting, or fingering? (+1)

 Stuck your tongue in their mouth? (+2)

 In an in-person course? (+10)

 More than once in a day? (+1)

 During class? (+5)

 Sent nudes? (+3)

 Airdropped them? (+10)

—–

 Given/received oral sex? (+1)

 During an in-person class? (+5)

 During an online class? (+5)

—–

 Had sex? (+1)

 With someone from Lister? (+5)

 In Lister? (+3)

 Was it floorcest? (+5)

 In bed? (+1)

 In a car? (+1)

 In public? (+1)

 In a study room? (+3)

 In a closed U of A library? (+5)

 In a U of A classroom? (+5)

 Inside the empty University Commons? (+5)

 In the SUB Myer Horowitz construction site? (+5)

—–

 Watched porn? (+2)

 During an in-person class? (+3)

 Was it hentai? (+6)

—–

 Done anal? (+1)

 69’d? (+6.9)

 Have you ever eaten ass? (+1)

—–

 Have you ever created an OnlyFans? (+1)

 To sell feet pics? (+3)

 To pay for exceptional tuition increases? (+5)

—–

 Fantasized about having sex with someone in your class? (+1)

 Was it your TA? (+2)

 Your Professor? (+3)

 The annoying kid in your class that won’t shut up? (+5)

 

ALCOHOL, DRUGS, PIERCINGS, AND TATTOOS

HAVE YOU EVER…
—–

 Gone to a local brewery? (+1)

 Drank Prairie Fairy? (+1)

 Drank Alley Kat? (+1)

 Drank Sea Change Brewing Company? (+1)

—–

 Gotten day-drunk during Week of Welcome? (+1)

 At Dewey’s? (+1)

 At Earls? (+1)

 At RATT? (+1)

 At Sherlock’s? (+1)

 At all four locations? (+5)

—–
Got drunk…

 Before 11:00 am? (+1)

 Before 9:00 am? (+1)

 And thrown up? (+1)

 And still went to class? (+10)

 And wrote an exam? (+3)

 And passed? (-2)

—–

 Vaped? (+1)

 Do you own a vape? (+3)

 Did you steal it from someone else? (+3)

 Did you and 5 people share the vape? (+5)

 Once it died, did you take it apart to recharge it? (+5)

 Did you find a random one on the ground and still use it? (+10)

—–

 Gotten high? (+1)

 Gotten high on campus? (+3)

 Gotten too high and still went to class? (-5)

 Found a half-used blunt on the ground and used it? (+10)

—–

 Brought drugs to campus? (+1)

 To share with friends? (+3)

 To bribe a prof? (+10)

—–

 Sold drugs? (+5)

—–
Done…

 Cigarettes? (+1)

 Mushrooms? (+1)

 Adderall? (+1)

 Someone else’s prescribed Adderall? (+1)

 MDMA/Ecstasy? (+5)

 Coke? (+5)

 LSD? (+5)

 Meth? (+10)

 Heroin? (+10)

—–

 Had a weed drink? (+1)

 And liked it? (+5)

—–

 Thought about getting a nipple piercing? (+1)

 Actually got it? (+5)

 It got infected (+10)

—–

 Gotten your ears pierced with a piercing gun after the age of 11 (-5)

 Gotten a piercing from someone with less than 5 piercings (-3)

 Your piercing got infected (+3)

 Your piercing healed over (-3)

 Gotten your nipple pierced at Claire’s? (+10)

—–

 Gotten matching tattoos with someone? (+1)

 Gotten matching tattoos with someone you’re no longer friends with? (+5)

 Gotten matching tattoos with a now ex-partner? (+50)

—–
Gotten a…

 Knuckle tattoo? (+1)

 Neck tattoo (+3)

 Face tattoo (+5)

 Tramp stamp (+10)

 Tramp stamp of the majestic Lisa Frank dolphins (+10)

 

VIOLENCE

HAVE YOU EVER…
—–

 Gotten a ticket on campus? (+1)

 Appealed it, even though you were 100 per cent at fault? (+3)

—–

 Went up to someone playing the piano in the Humanities pedway and told them to stop? (+3)

—–

 Smashed the window in CCIS? (+5)

—–

 Gotten in a fight? (+1)

 Fistfight? (+1)

 Knifefight? (+10)

 Gunfight? (+10)

 Sword fight? (-1)

—–
Owned a…

 switchblade? (+1)

 gun? (+1)

—–
Committed…

 arson? (+5)

 murder? (+10)

 

FOOD AND GLUTTONY

HAVE YOU EVER…
—–
Eaten at…

 Marco’s at SUB? (+1)

 Did you get to talk to Marco himself? (noice!) (-5)

 ACE Coffee? (+1)

 PACT? (+1)

 Pals’? (+1)

 Sepps? (+1)

 DaDeO? (+1)

 Feta and Olive? (+1)

 Did you order something other than the frozen yogurt? (+5)

 Tres Carnales? (+1)

 After the pest infestation? (+5)

—–

 Did your favourite food vendor move out of HUB? (+1)

 Then got replaced by Remedy? (+2)

—–

 Gone to Tim Horton’s 2 times in a day? (+1)

 3 times? (+2)

 4+ times? (+5)

 You haven’t because you prefer Starbucks? (+10)

 You’re too good for both and go to Remedy instead (+15)

—–
Done these viral food trends…

 Have you tried coffee creamer in your Dr. Pepper? (+1)

 Did you drink it in a Stanley Cup? (+10)

 Have you made cowboy caviar? (+1)

 Have you thrown a charcuterie board party? (+1)

 A butter board party? (+10)

 Have you tried freeze-dried candy? (+1)

 Have you tried healthy coke? (+1)

 Did you like it? (+10)

—–

 Gotten food poisoning on campus? (+1)

 Was it from HoHo’s? (+1)

 Was it from Subway? (+3)

 

RANDOM

HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?
—–

 The U of A was late with your contract, so you worked for a month without one? (+1)

—–

 Posted one of your hot takes on the internet and got called chronically online? (+1)

 Were put on a chronically online list? (+5)

—–

 Used ChatGPT to write an assignment? (+1)

 Gotten away with it? (+10)

—–

 Have you ever gotten stuck on the SUB elevator? (+1)

 Was it after you heard a crashing sound? (+5)

—–

 Applied for Canada Emergency Student Benefit (CESB) during the pandemic, then were asked to pay it back? (+5)

 Didn’t? (+10)

—–

 Will you miss the piano in Humanities once the building is gone? (-5)

—–

 Did you buy the last croissant at Tim Horton’s just in spite of the annoying person behind you who really wanted that last croissant? (-10)

 Did you then post about it on Reddit? (+3)

—–

 Do you check the uAlberta subreddit daily? (+1)

 Have you ever complained about a prof? (+3)

 Have you ever asked for help to find your crush? (+5)

 Have you ever asked for help on something that is easily searchable? (+10)

 Have you posted your schedule for your peers to judge? (+20)

 

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