Why everyone should vote for the joke candidates in the SU election

Let’s make something abundantly clear: you will never vote in a more useless election than a Students’ Union election.

February 27^th marked the beginning of campaigning for the SU elections, much to the dread of students. All around campus, students will see self-indulgent posters with buzzwordy campaign promises, candidates approaching them at tables in CAB while studying (and refusing to leave until they give their pitch), and candidates shamelessly encroaching on lecture class time with a self-important demeanor. Every year they campaign on the exact same promises with little to no follow through once they are elected. Among the self-indulgence, there is a glimmer of light that make these weeks bearable: joke candidates. So, this year, vote for these candidates because the whole thing is a joke and why not.

Donut the Cat is running for president this year against Bashir Mohamed and Marina Bannister. After attending three forums, I can sufficiently say that the two real candidates will do nothing but the same shit we see year in and year out. Bashir is making grand promises of complete SU reform and lowering tuition. If Bashir wins, the SU will still be the SU and tuition will still remain at the price it’s at. Marina, on the other hand, wants to create a student charter of rights because the Alberta Bill of Human Rights and The Charter of Rights and Freedoms are the most inaccessible government documents and don’t apply to university students whatsoever. You know what Donut wants? Cheaper tuna. I applaud this because this promise isn’t trying to be serious. The cat, unlike the other candidates, has no intention of wasting our time playing government and just wants to do cat stuff.

The other joke candidate is Banana the hamster and she’s running in the vice president academic race. Banana is running against Marina Banis… I mean Shane Scott. He is running unopposed as joke candidates cannot win. So, let’s all vote for Banana and not Scott because why not. Banist… Scott (damn, I did it again) is guaranteed a win, so why not have some fun with this useless election. Next year, like majority of SU members, he’ll be just another political science student playing government so they can pad their resume for grad school or future employment. So, vote for Banana because, like the race he is running in, it’s all a big joke and we don’t need to further stroke these candidates’ egos any further.

This student election, don’t fall for the candidate’s bullshit promises and self-indulgent campaigns. Instead, rather have some fun. Let’s vote in these jokes because somehow they’re less of a joke than the real candidates.