Aries: Mixtapes are so last year. Consider releasing your sex tape this month.
Cancer: Roses are red/in Vancouver, it’s raining/men in your life will continue mansplaining.
Leo: Next time you’re a bystander when someone’s getting groped on the bus, don’t be.
Virgo: Love is in the air, Virgo. It’s viral. You should get vaccinated.
Pisces: Life gave Beyoncé lemons. Do what she did.
Taurus: You will have more energy than usual this month. Try channeling it into a productive activity, like getting ahead on assignments or dismantling the patriarchy.
Aquarius: I’d tell you to treat yourself, but you’re already a snack.
Scorpio: Scorpions are predatory animals. And they have a dancing ritual before they mate. Just thought you should know.
Sagittarius: Self-love is less time-consuming than self-loathing. Try it today!
Libra: Keeping secrets, I see? Shame sucks. Leave that shit in 2018.
Capricorn: Turn your New Year’s resolution into a New Year’s revolution and seize the means of production.
Gemini: Everyone’s at least a little gay. I wouldn’t worry about it.