Diss Track: Unkle Adams, Kidz Bop, ZAYN & Taylor Swift

In this segment, our writers turn a pen against the music industry’s worst penned offerings. No song is safe from being taken down in Diss Track.


Unkle Adams 
He Will Never Stop

It seems to me Unkle Adams fits the trope of a caucasian wiener male trying to use “the rap” music to get famous; and it’s like he borrowed the “K” from Uncle Kracker for his own name — ah fuck, now I just YouTube searched Uncle Kracker. Just to redeem myself and music, I listened to “Still D.R.E.” featuring Snoop Dogg.

I feel if you listen to too much Unkle Adams, you’ll get rid of all the hot sauce in your fridge and start clipping coupons for deals on mayonnaise. Be mindful of caucasian overloading        


 KIDZ BOP Kids
Closer (KIDZ BOP 34)

The most enjoyable part of “Closer” by KIDZ BOP Kids was the advertisement for The Lego Batman Movie that played before the video.

This song almost didn’t get played in its entirety. However, I heard a direct reference in the lyrics to one of the bands I listened to in my childhood: “Stay and play that Blink-182 song /That we played to death in Tuscon, okay.” KIDZ Bop consists of six members whose ages range from 10 to 13-years-old. “What’s My Age Again” appeared on Blink’s 1999 album Enema of the State. The members of KIDZ Bop weren’t even alive yet when Tom, Mark, and Travis were photographing that album cover with pornstar Janine Lindemulder.

Since my encounter with this pre-teen pop cover band, my YouTube homepage video recommendations is all messed up.


ZAYN, Taylor Swift
I Don’t Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Darker)

I can get over the fact I just listened to a song that’s on the Fifty Shades Darker original motion picture soundtrack because the song/video features the beautiful Taylor Swift.

Dear Ms. Swift,

I’m 5’3, have an average body type, and I’ll leave the toilet seat down. Seriously. I’ll accept the collect call charges if you want to make this happen.

Sincerely,
Jonah (with the neck tattoos)

I don’t want to say anything bad about the lyrics, but Ms. Swift how would you feel if I stood outside your window holding up a ghetto blaster playing your own song’s lyrics back at you?: “I don’t want to live forever/‘Cause I know I’ll be living in vain”; or “I just wanna keep calling your name/Until you come back home”; and “Baby baby/I feel crazy.”

It’s okay Ms. Swift, you don’t have to answer that. Maybe I’ll use winter reading week to work on my poetry and I’ll send you a sonnet in the spring.    


I’m 30 years old and shouldn’t be trying to figure out the “the kids are listening to these days”. YouTube is a weird place. If anyone needs me, I’ll be listening to my Motörhead CDs.