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Cheap sex toys: a cautionary tale

I worked at a sex store for a year and a half. During this time, I saw a lot of shit. We kept a bat behind our counter in the event things got too rowdy in our lingerie change rooms. About six months into my job, a woman came into the store furious. In her hand was a plastic bag, which she proceeded to upturn on my counter. Out fell what was once a pink rabbit vibrator that had somehow partially melted, slick with shiny oil. It smelled like a dollar store shower curtain.

The woman went on to explain to me that she had bought the toy two weeks ago, and after a bit of fun she found her downstairs burning. Worse than any UTI she had ever had before. After a visit to her OBGYN, she was politely informed that it was not an STI nor any other acronym.

It was a fucking chemical burn, friends.

This woman, looking for some relaxation, ended up with a chemical burn in her vagina. I don’t want to scare you — this isn’t typical of sex toys. But I wanted to share this story because if there is one thing I learned at my time at the shop, it is that cheap sex toys are not worth it. They are not safe. They are not made for your pleasure.

So how do we protect our precious bits?

Start by avoiding any sort of “jelly” toys. If it looks like it was popped out of a Jell-O mold, avoid it like the plague. These toys are often a mixture of a bunch of different plastics and rubber. These toys are unstable, often deteriorating in the package, before you even get it home. Is there a residue on your toy when you open it up? Is it slick and shiny? Does it smell like a rubber duck factory? Don’t stick it inside of you. These toys “off-gas” and leave stains behind — and can often react badly with any other sex toys they touch.

These toys are also porous and impossible to clean — no matter what antibacterial toy cleaner sex toy workers may try to sell you. Mildew and bacteria will begin to fester. Stick with toys that are of silicone, glass, ceramic, sealed wood, ABS plastic, or medical grade stainless steel. Be wary of toys that claim they’re made with silicon, sili-gel, sili-plastic. If it doesn’t say “silicone” up front and honestly, don’t trust it.

A few brands that are trustworthy include Tantus, Lelo, We-Vibe, Fun Factory, and Jimmyjane — all of their toys are made with silicone and ABS plastic. I personally favour Lelo because their vibrations are rumbly and powerful and they look sleek and hi-tech. Plus they’re rechargeable, which is literally a dream come true. All of these brands have websites you can buy from directly online, or, if you prefer brick and mortar, I would recommend The Tickle Trunk on Whyte Ave. They only stock body-safe toys, and the staff are always incredible.

Happy sex toy hunting friends. Guard your bits carefully.

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