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The 2022 Purity Test: Budget Cuts Edition

Unlike some things on campus, this quiz is free — take a breather and find out your purity score!

Welcome to the 2022 Purity Test. Money was tight this year with the threat of a looming strike and several beloved buildings on campus at risk of being removed. Budget cuts have been “exceptional,” but how exceptional has our campus and broader Edmonton community been in their purity, or rather, impurity? Are you a cut above the rest? Take the test to find out.

Most questions are framed as “Have you ever…?” Check off the box if you have done the activity and total your score to find out exactly how pure (or impure) you are!

Graphic by Cameron McCubbing.

The Gateway does not condone any behaviour that puts yourself or others at risk during the COVID-19 pandemic. Please follow all public health guidelines. You can visit alberta.ca/covid19 for relevant information in the province of Alberta. If you are currently residing outside of the province, we encourage you to familiarize yourself with the guidelines in your region.

VICES AND FUCK-UPS

HAVE YOU EVER…

Lost your ARC Card? (+1)

 
 
  • Lost your whole wallet? (+1)
 
 

Attended a class where there was a COVID outbreak? (+1)

 
 
  • Caused the outbreak? (+5)
 
 
  • Knowingly? (+10)
 
 

Refused to wear a mask during class? (+5)

 
 
  • Did you fight the prof? (+5)
 
 

Had eClass crash during your final? (+1)

 
 

Had a class switch online? (+1)

 
 
  • Multiple courses? (+1)
 
 
  • Your entire Fall 2021 semester? (+1)
 
 
  • Complained about it online? (+1)
 
 

Plagiarized your entire essay? (+5)

 
 

Reviewed the SU’s new furniture in SUB? (+1)

 
 
  • Did you like it? (-10)
 
 

Seen the U of A rebrand video? (+1)

 
 
  • Thought it was good? (Deadass) (-5)
 
 

Told someone they shouldn’t attend UAlberta? (+1)

 
 
  • Did they attend MacEwan instead? (+5)
 
 

Bought a $200 dollar textbook? (-10)

 
 
  • Just not buy it? (+1)
 
 
  • Pirate it online? (+5)
 
 
  • Avoid all textbook costs in the first place using the Zero Cost Textbook button on Bear Tracks? (-9 [million dollars saved])
 
 

Played Wordle? (+1)

 
 
  • Did you stop playing when the New York Times bought the game? (-1)
 
 

Watched Euphoria? (+1)

 
 
  • Have you dressed up like you were going to be on the show? (+1)
 
 

SEX

HAVE YOU EVER…

Kissed someone? (+1)

 
 

Masturbated? (+1)

 
 
  • In an online course? (+1)
 
 
  • In an in-person course? (+10)
 
 
  • More than once in a day? (+1)
 
 

Sexted? (+1)

 
 

Performed a handjob, heavy petting, or fingering? (+1)

 
 
  • During class? (+5)
 
 
  • In-person? (+10)
 
 

Given/received oral sex? (+1)

 
 
  • During class? (+5)
 
 

Had sex? (+1)

 
 
  • In bed? (+1)
 
 
  • In a car? (+1)
 
 
  • In public? (+1)
 
 
  • In a closed U of A library? (+5)
 
 
  • In a U of A classroom? (+5)
 
 
  • In the Dent/Pharm construction site? (+5)
 
 

Done anal? (+1)

 
 

69’d? (+6.9)

 
 

Have you ever eaten ass? (+1)

 
 

Have you ever created an OnlyFans? (+1)

 
 
  • To pay for exceptional tuition increases? (+5)
 
 

ALCOHOL

HAVE YOU EVER…

Gone to a local brewery? (+1)

 
 
  • Drank Prairie Fairy? (+1)
 
 
  • Drank the @yego.death beer? (+1)
 
 
  • Thrown up? (+1)
 
 

Gone to a club during a COVID-19 wave? (+1)

 
 
  • Got COVID-19? (+5)
 
 
  • Kept going after a positive test result? (+10)
 
 

Gone to a bar during increased COVID-19 restrictions? (+1)

 
 
  • Drank after curfew time? (+5)
 
 

Got day drunk during Week of Welcome? (+1)

 
 
  • At Deweys? (+1)
 
 
  • At Earls? (+1)
 
 
  • At RATT? (+1)
 
 
  • At RATT on the patio? (+1)
 
 

Got day drunk during Last Class Bash? (+1)

 
 
  • At Dinwoodie Lounge? (+1)
 
 

DRUGS

HAVE YOU EVER…

Vaped? (+1)

 
 

Gotten high? (+1)

 
 

Brought drugs? (+1)

 
 

Sold drugs? (+5)

 
 

Done…

    • Cigarettes? (+1)
 
 
  • Weed? (+1)
 
 
  • Mushrooms? (+1)
 
 
  • Adderall? (+1)
 
 
  • MDMA/Ecstasy? (+5)
 
 
  • Coke? (+5)
 
 
  • LSD? (+5)
 
 
  • Meth? (+10)
 
 
  • Heroin? (+10)
 
 

Had a weed drink? (+1)

 
 
  • And liked it? (+5)
 
 

VIOLENCE

HAVE YOU EVER…

Pulled down or destroyed someone’s mask? (+1)

 
 

Thrown your mask at someone else? (+1)

 
 

Pulled the Lister fire alarm knowing there was no fire? (+1)

 
 
  • Between 12:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m.? (+1)
 
 

Gotten a ticket on campus? (+1)

 
 

Smashed the window in SUB? (+1)

 
 

Gotten in a fight? (+1)

 
 
  • Fight in the Zoom chat? (+1)
 
 
  • Fistfight? (+1)
 
 
  • Knifefight? (+10)
 
 
  • Gunfight? (+10)
 
 
  • Sword fight? (-1)
 
 

Attended an anti-vaxx/mask protest? (+5)

 
 
  • Also own a truck? (+10)
 
 

Owned a switchblade? (+1)

 
 

Owned a gun? (+1)

 
 

Committed arson? (+5)

 
 

Committed murder? (+10)

 
 

FOOD AND GLUTTONY

HAVE YOU EVER…

Eaten at…

      • Farrow Sandwiches (+1)
 
 
  • Filistix (+1)
 
 
  • Kaffa (+1)
 
 
  • Eleanor and Laurent? (+1)
 
 
  • Made by Marcus Ice Cream? (+1)
 
 
  • DaDeO? (+1)
 
 

Done these viral food trends…

      • Have you tried Emily Mariko’s salmon and rice recipe? (+1)
 
 
  • Have you tried the tortilla hack? (+1)
 
 
  • Have you made pasta chips? (+1)
 
 
  • Have you made baked feta pasta? (+1)
 
 
  • Have you tried the creamy ramen hack? (+1)
 
 

Gotten food poisoning on campus? (+1)

 
 
  • Was it from HoHo’s? (+1)
 
 

BONUS ROUND

HAVE YOU EVER…

Followed @yego.death? (+1)

 
 
  • Are you @yego.death? (+10)
 
 

RANDOM

HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?

The U of A paid you a paycheck and then asked you to pay it back through collective bargaining? (+3 [per cent of your pay])

 
 

Have you ever gotten stuck on the SUB elevator? (+1)

 
 
  • Was it due to the RATT button? (-5)
 
 

Did your favourite food vendor move out of HUB? (+1)

 
 

Have you advocated for the restoration of the U of A Ring Houses? (+1)

 
 
  • Did you buy a ring house for $1.00? (-$1)
 
 

Will you miss the piano in Humanities once the building is gone? (-5)

 
 

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