The Gateway ArchiveThrowback is a semi-regular feature where we dive into The Gateway vault to find historical, noteworthy, or just plain weird stories from our past. This story comes from the January 9, 2007 issue of The Gateway.
In this edition, we take a look at the year that was in 2006 for Arts and Entertainment. The decade between then and now did a lot for Mel Gibson’s career, but apparently not so much for Kevin Federline.
Our back issues dating to 1910 can be found in print at the U of A Library, as well as online at Peel’s Prairie Provinces archive.
From invigorating speeches to shitty rhymes, 2006 had it all. Let’s see what the illustrious Gateway A&E writers had to say:
Elizabeth Vail
BEST: CELEBRITIES BANISHED TO THE DOGHOUSE
Although 2006 was the year of the dog, the best 2006 moments came when a pair of down-on-their-luck divas got rid of theirs. First, Whitney Houston realized her love for abusive hubby Bobby Brown was not the greatest love of all and kicked him to the curb. Following that, Britney Spears did it one more time and divorced professional hobo and Vanilla Ice protégé Kevin Federline, informing him of their split with a humiliating textmessage. Free at last, Whitney’s looked healthier than she has in years and Britney’s already working on a new album.
WORST: SERIOUS LACK OF PANTIES
What kind of guilty pleasure would Britney be if she wasn’t part of the best and worst moments of 2006? Following the dubious trend set by the rapidly-degenerating Lindsey Lohan and ho for sho’ Paris Hilton, Britney Spears recovered from her successful divorce by taking a spreadeagled leap onto the no-panties bandwagon. As faithful paparazzi have discovered, Britney, Lindsey and Paris have apparently lost the ability to get out of a car, dance at a club or walk in a high wind without inadvertently baring their secret gardens (or in Paris’ case, her public recreational facility) to the world. We know you’ve got kids, Britney; there’s no need to show everyone where they came from.
Kristina De Guzman
BEST: GUIDING LIGHT WINS FOUR ACTING AWARDS AT THE DAYTIME EMMYS
A woman leaves a revealing message of loneliness on an answering machine. A young man hacks off his hair with a switchblade in front of his mother. Another man, after 15 years of sobriety, falls off the wagon. A woman in a mid-life crisis selfi shly laments over no longer being the center of attention.
These scenarios won a handful of Daytime Emmys for television’s oldest show. Actors Gina Tognoni, Tom Pelphrey, Jordan Clarke and Kim Zimmer won four of the six acting awards — for Supporting Actress, Younger Actor, Supporting Actor and Lead Actress respectively. Amidst low ratings and budget cuts, Guiding Light’s acting has remained consistently good, so the acknowledgement was a nice surprise and more than well-deserved.
WORST: GUIDING LIGHT COMES UP WITH THE LAMEST CURE FOR CANCER
Love! Menopause wasn’t enough for Kim Zimmer’s Reva Shayne in 2005; she had to get terminal breast cancer the year after. She’s become indestructible, and not in a good way. The best part of the story is when Reva dies. Not because she became one of the most annoying characters on TV during her sickness (long story) but because her death seemed so fi nal and left viewers wondering if the actress had secretly quit the show. Sadly, that lasts a whole two minutes before Reva’s ex-husband asks her to come back to him. Just as her heart starts beating, I roll my eyes in response to this illogical drivel.
Maria Kotovych
BEST: SPELLING BEES BRINGING SEXY BACK
In June, Finola Hackett achieved an amazing second place in the Scripps National Spelling Bee in Washington, D.C. Hackett, 14, hails from Tofield, Alberta, and she was the only Canadian in the finals of the prestigious spelling bee.
Hackett conducted herself with incredible grace and maturity during and after the event. Unfortunately, the word that cost Hackett the top prize was weltschmerz, a German word that means “sadness over the evils of the world.”
Hackett, as well as movies like Akeelah and the Bee, brought spelling bees to Canadians’ attention in ’06. Spelling even became — dare I say it — cool. Word nerds everywhere rejoiced!
WORST: AN EVEN MORE SERIOUS LACK OF PANTIES
Can something be a “worst moment” when it occurred several times? I’m talking about Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, who chose to go commando under their miniskirts, thus exposing their genitals when getting in and exiting a car. Hearing about this, I was overcome with deep weltschmerz. So I wrote a poem to explore my feelings: “How much flesh would some white trash flash if some white trash could flash flesh? Some white trash would flash as much flesh as they could fl ash if some white trash could flash flesh.”
Thank you for listening.
Ryan Heise
BEST: THE LAUNCH OF MICROSOFT’S ZUNE
The iPod is ubiquitous; it’s a fashion statement it’s a pop culture icon, it’s unparalleled even if you hate its DRM and want to punch Steve Jobs in the face. But Microsoft wanted a slice of the ever-growing portable digitalmusic market and made a stab at it by releasing the Zune in November.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m an iPod guy and think the Zune is a piece of garbage, but the iPod needs some competition. Microsoft has the money to keep making the Zune better even in the face of losing money on it. The Zune will hopefully challenge Apple to step up their game, something they haven’t really done since the iPod was released.
WORST: LOST MINISERIES
What was ABC thinking? Six episodes — and not great ones — of what is one of the highest rated shows on TV followed by a three-month hiatus due to college football or something? Ridiculous.
I know that they’re airing the remainder of the season for 16 straight weeks come February, but I’m going to have a hard time reinvesting time into this show after the mediocre fi rst six episodes and a lengthy hiatus. I hear 24 has a guy torturing terrorists and shooting people in the face. Is this true? I may have to have to check it out.
Tyson Durst
BEST: TRANSFORMERS 20TH ANNIVERSARY DVD
Since Chuck Norris didn’t release a new movie last year, the single greatest moment in entertainment for 2006 was the DVD re-release of the remastered, Transformerific 20th anniversary edition of the classic science fi ction animated epic known as Transformers: The Movie.
As if people needed any more proof that the 1980s was the best decade in the history of modern popular culture; there’s not just one moment that makes this fi lm jizz all over the audience with loads of awesomeness. There are multiple orgasmic moments that will make you laugh, cry and cheer in this classic struggle of good versus evil. From Optimus Prime single-handedly tearing through ranks of evil Decepticons and kicking bad-guy ass to various inspirational music montages, this entire movie stands as one big, best moment of last year. Let’s hope Michael Bay doesn’t fuck up the live action fi lm due out this summer.
WORST: CELEBRITY RACISM
There seemed to be a highly contagious virus going around in Hollywood last year that caused some well-known celebrities to spew some pretty venomous, hateful rants that deservedly marked them as subjects of ridicule, satire and old-fashioned scorn.
First, a drunken Mel Gibson dropped the tired, anti-semetic, Jews-areresponsible-for-everything-bad-thathas-happened-in-the-world babble (c’mon, Mel, I’m pretty sure that you had a lot to do with movies like Braveheart or What Women Want), while Michael Richards decided to deal with a heckler at a comedy club by going on a long, uncomfortable shouting spree as he publicly recalled the good ol’ days when white folk could legally sodomize a “n*****” with kitchen utensils for daring to interrupt a stand-up comedy routine.
Not only do these men share the award for Worst Moment of 2006 but they also share the award for Biggest Douchebags of 2006. Congratulations. Your white bed sheets are in the mail.
Renato Pagnani
BEST: HIP-HOP LYRICS OF 2006
“You could think my messy hair and vintage clothes are cute but when you stare back you could think I’m homeless too.”—Louis Logic
Hipsters worry their wardrobes are the cause of sabotaged introductions.
“Don’t you have a bladder then how come the liquor keeps getting to your head?”— Sway
Britain’s best emcee quizzes bar troublemakers on the biology behind insobriety.
“I’m on the floor like ‘Holy shit!’”—Ghostface Killah
This line isn’t even particularly great, but the way Ghostface sells it, you don’t know whether to laugh or duck for cover.
WORST: HIP-HOP LYRICS OF 2006
“Freeze your face like bosilium toxin.”—Black Thought
I guess rappers are allowed to make up words now. The word Thought was looking for here was botulinum toxin — known to MILFs everywhere as Botox.
“She said she love you love you long time.”—Nelly Furtado
Technically not a hip-hop lyric, but directly quoting The 40-Year-Old Virgin is never justifiable.
“Save me from the Black Parade, release me.”—Jay-Z
Technically a hip-hop lyric, but referencing My Chemical Romance is never justifiable.
Michael Larocque
BEST: STEPHEN COLBERT AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS’ ASSOCIATION DINNER
Gaming consoles be damned: my favourite moment in entertainment was Stephen Colbert’s uncomfortably ironic lambasting of George W. Bush at last year’s White House Correspondents Dinner. A defi ning moment in entertainment largely ignored by the mainstream press, the popularity of his keynote roast highlighted the importance YouTube played last year in entertainment, and his performance also managed to painfully scathe a press core that had been woefully idle in covering presidential affairs. The President looked like he was ready to tear Colbert apart, but The Daily Show vet came out with a newfound respect as a serious political satirist.
WORST: K-FED IN ALL HIS GREASINESS
Every time I heard mention of Kevin Federline this year was one too many. Besides sapping Britney Spears of all detectable hotness/potential, this greasy backup dancer fails at even being an interesting C-list celebrity. Aside from walking around with a smug sense of self-importance, the self-dubbed “K-Fed” has done nothing more notable than releasing a hip-hop record that aspires to mediocrity and being dropped as a sponsor from the Five-Star clothing line. Federline’s last gasp of fame will come from what will likely be a contentious divorce process, as his death rattle before mercifully fading into obscurity
