The “normal” people of Edmonton

In a column for the Edmonton Sun earlier this week, Graham Hicks described the new downtown “revitalization” as a great victory for the “normal people” over the “less-fortunate Edmontonians — the panhandlers, the intoxicated and generally tough-looking characters.” Hicks doesn’t hesitate to tell us who doesn’t belong downtown, but then who are the “normal people” he’s referring to? We’re not quite sure, but we gave it our best guess.

Sharon is a proud Old Stock Canadian™ living in Sherwood Park with her loving husband Ron and 1.6 children.  

Sometimes she likes to leave the kid(s) at home and go support the local economy by letting her hair down (hypothetically, obviously — her Kate Gosselin-esque mom-bob is too short to put up) and enjoying a wild night out in the Ice District. Oh sorry, Ice District, our mistake.  Of course, she’ll feel a lot more comfortable when there’s some nice chain restaurants in the area. Maybe a Moxie’s or an Earl’s? Sharon is grateful for the new arena’s apparent filtering out of “the down ’n’ outers” from the downtown area. In fact, she’s never felt safer downtown than after shows or games at Rogers, when she and her husband can walk to the LRT station having had “a few too many” at the game, laughing at thinly veiled racist jokes without fear that they’ll be overheard and offend some politically correct homeless person (Sharon’s two pet peeves).

Sharon is also completely oblivious to the fact that “Ice District” sounds like a reference to crystal meth.

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Dave moved off the farm to St. Albert when he got his ticket. Met Cindy who smoked while she pumped gas and squeezed two kids out. Mortgaged a place in Hawkline Ridge but still burns garbage in a barrel by the driveway.

Dave drinks Old Mil and hasn’t bent over since Doug Weight was drafted. He doesn’t vote but he talks a lot about politics. He hasn’t driven his kids to practice since Sam Gagner was on the payroll, because fuck ’em, you don’t work for the county without making a decent amount of cash to drive yourself.

Dave might drink too much. Dave might be depressed. Dave found Cindy in bed with a potato farmer and he doesn’t know where she’ll be this Christmas.

The kids don’t go to Oilers games anymore. The new rink is a waste because Eric Gryba. Dave stopped caring about whatever colour the person beside him is.

He’ll go downtown if he has to.