Top 5: Reasons to get a sugar daddy

Are you a broke young adult who’s willing to do anything for some cash? You’re in luck: I have the perfect solution. As long as you’re willing to sacrifice your pride, the world is yours! Without further ado, here are the top five reasons to take the plunge and get a sugar daddy (or sugar mommy, or glucose guardian — whichever you prefer). 

5. It will fix all of your problems

With Kason Jenny’s budget, tuition is likely going up. Let’s face it, even before the tuition freeze, you couldn’t afford tuition anyway! But with a sugar daddy, you won’t have to worry about that! Need someone to pay for your books?  Your sugar daddy’s got you. Don’t want to live on campus? Your sugar daddy can just buy you a house! He can pay for other things too: groceries, gas, a new pair of Airpod Pros. Y’know, all of the basic necessities! Imagine how much easier your life will be when you can do retail therapy with someone else’s money.

4. The job market is bleak

Let’s face it, your degree in English literature isn’t opening any doors for you. With a sugar daddy, you can skip the pain of rejection that comes with job hunting. Plus, you’ll have enough free time to work on the manuscript for that YA novel you’ve been working on. How’s that going, by the way? 

3. You’re lonely anyways

If you do not have a boyfriend, trust me, having a sugar daddy is so much better! You’ll get all the perks of having a man: a shoulder to cry on, someone older and wiser who can give you advice, and sex. But he won’t have the downsides that come with a boyfriend! Worried about an awkward Christmas dinner at his parent’s place? You won’t worry about nasty in-laws, because he’s hiding you from his friends and family anyway. Although, statistically, his parents probably passed years ago. 

2. Your pride left a long time ago

You’re not quite sure when it happened. Perhaps it was after your first year, when you were forced to live off of cup noodles for six months. Or maybe it was the weekend you spent researching how profitable selling feet pics would be. But either way, just like the bees, your pride has been slowly dying out for years. 

1. You’re never going to be rich

Between student loans, car payments, and the steadily increasing cost of living due to inflation, you’ll never have the cushy lifestyle you deserve. So why not treat yourself at someone else’s expense? And let’s be real, what are your alternatives? Work a soul-crushing job for mediocre pay while struggling to pay off your loans? Start a proletarian revolution? No thanks! 

You deserve the finer things in life. All you need to do is find someone willing to pay for them and let go of the last remaining scraps of your inhibitions!