Are you ready to get roasted?
Aries: You’re baby.
Taurus: You are extremely warm and nurturing, but you can be… bullheaded, especially when hangry. Please have a Snickers.
Gemini: Stop starting 38763271 projects simultaneously and then end up not finishing a single one. Focus your energy on a select few important things and really pursue them.
Cancer: You’re either breaking into people’s houses to feed them or because you’re suspicious and need to find dirt on them. Either way, stop doing that!
Leo: LeOs aRE tHe BeST. Sorry, I can’t write a roast for Less because y’all will get mad at me.
Virgo: You is organized. You is hardworking. You is a bit of a control freak; please have a breather. Learn to slow down a bit and find time to take care of yourself, or you’ll find a Cancer breaking into your house to feed you.
Libra: Libras are the people who say “I don’t know, what do you want?” when you ask them what they want to eat. Go with your gut and stick with that choice.
Scorpio: Scorpi-o-no. It’s OKAY for people to know the more vulnerable side of you. It will not make you look weaker to anyone else.
Sagittarius: Listen. I know that 4000-word research paper is looming over your head and it’s stressing you out. Do NOT buy that ticket to Mexico to escape your problems.
Capricorn: You’re the absolute worst when it comes to gossip. When a friend goes to you with some delicious, steaming tea, you offer a mundane, simple solution that brings it down to lukewarm. Next time, have a biscuit and enjoy the tea.
Aquarius: You’re the people who refer to red as “”blood orange.”” It’s okay to not be #edgy #unique #different all the time. Relax and be yourself.
Pisces: Pisces are moody and sensitive; channel your idealistic worldview into positive energy working towards what is morally just.