Do you ever get the urge to bust a nut on campus? I know I do. There’s some good and bad nuts to bust, though, and you always want to have a good nut experience. In order to keep your nuts good, here are my top 5 nuts I’ve busted on campus.

5. Chestnut

Eh, chestnuts are okay. They’re only kind of tasty, and busting them open is a royal pain in the ass. You can only eat the little fuckers roasted. Where the fuck am I supposed to roast them on campus? Nowhere. That’s why they’re on the bottom of the list. God. God dammit. Fuck. 3/10.

4. Walnut

A classic. Brought my nutcracker, The Onceler, to Tory, gingerly put a crisp, clean walnut in his mouth, and just crushed that sucker between his mighty jaws. Ate the yummy insides as a snack during my class. Elicited stares from everyone in the room, which I consider a bonus. 6/10.

3. Coconut

Had to smack this bad boy on a bench in CCIS. Difficult to bust open, but well worth the effort. Drank me up some coconut milk, shaved out the insides, and put them on my pancakes. Fuck yeah. 7/10.

2. Peanut

Do you have fingers and a hankering for roasted, salty goodness? I sure did once. Brought a whole bag to my Milton class in Humanities and just busted nut after nut, throwing the delectable morsels into my mouth and dropping the shells on the floor. Fingers cramped up eventually, but I did give the guy next to me an allergic reaction. GANG SHIT. 8/10.

1. Pistachio

These little green bastards are probably my favourite nut on this list. They make delicious ice cream, and when I busted them open during a Students’ Council meeting, it really got debate going. Councillors kept begging me for a nut, but I told them NO. These are MY nuts. You can’t have them. FREEDOM OF THE PRESS, BITCH. 9/10.