Ask Jonah (with the neck tattoos): The one about Richard and Dolores

Where can you turn when life throws a wrench into your plans? Who will lend an ear, reserve all judgement, and simply listen when you’re in need of answers to life’s toughest questions? Your mom, dad, or dearest childhood friend? No. You ask Jonah (with the neck tattoos). Have questions? Send them to [email protected].

Names and characters in this column are the products of the Jonah’s imagination and used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

What’s the difference between calling someone a dick and a prick?
These sort of insults are usually hurled at male-gendered individuals as both nouns are vulgar synonyms for the male phallus. However, depending on the context and circumstances, it may be appropriate to regard someone identifying as any gender as a dick or a prick. Calling someone a prick usually indicates there has been a single isolated situation where the speaker of the insult felt wronged. For example, when Richard ghosts his Tinder match Dolores, Dolores could appropriately call Richard a prick. But, if Richard and Dolores went on a Tinder date, hooked up a few times, and Dolores was ghosted by Richard only to find out later that he changed her Netflix account password without telling her, then Richard could appropriately be called a dick.

What’s a better kitchen appliance: a toaster or an electric kettle?

Let’s imagine Richard never ghosted Dolores, and they decide to move in together because the cost of Ubering back and forth between each other’s places to Netflix and chill is getting too expensive. Our Tinder match finds a basement suite in Garneau because Richard is still thinking he’ll apply for law school, and Dolores thinks the neighbourhood will inspire her creative writing. But the first test of their relationship is upon them when they are shopping for kitchen appliances in the Army and Navy on Whyte. Richard and Dolores eat avocado toast on the regular so they can only afford one appliance. Dolores suggests they get the toaster so they can make avocado toast at home, while Richard suggests the kettle so they can green tea and chill. They end up buying both appliances using the credit cards their parents pay for.

What is Spacemoose?
It’s the reason Richard spends so much time in the bathroom alone with his phone. This behaviour makes Dolores have second thoughts about their relationship.

Would you rather wake up every morning to your floor covered in crumbs, or every elevator you take takes a long time to get to the next floor?

Richard was having second thoughts of his own when he started waking up every morning to a bedroom floor covered in Dolores’s avocado toast crumbs. Richard and Dolores work in the same office building downtown. In the beginning of their relationship they enjoyed the extra time spent together in the building’s incredibly slow elevator. During one incredibly slow elevator trip, Richard confronted Dolores about her crumby bedroom habit. Their conversation did not end well. Before the doors to the elevator opened at its destination floor, Dolores had already downloaded the Bumble app, and Richard had texted its been a while, lol to his high school crush from Leduc.    

Is it normal to feel this alone?
Six months after Richard and Dolores broke up, Dolores ended up moving in with the guy she met on Bumble. He has an MBA and wants to take Dolores to his parents’ cabin at the lake. Richard got drunk in Leduc, banged his high school crush, and ghosted her. Richard eventually applies to law school and downloads the Tinder app, again; however, he only gets matches with fake accounts (he knows because he reverse image searches their profile pictures). He beings to feel lonely while drinking green tea in the basement suite in Garneau. Richard submits a question to Ask Jonah: Is it normal to feel this alone? I reply: Don’t be a dick and you won’t be alone.    

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