Arts faculty association becomes pyramid scheme

Students walking through HUB on Monday morning were greeted with a peculiar sight, as a new retail outlet popped up where Athabasca University used to try to poach helpless first-years in exam period.

A bright neon sign sported the name “BearMeal: a Broasis Company,” underneath of which stood a folding table smothering in an array of Dixie cups full of colourful juices. Just inside the outlet, The Gateway spoke to Broasis president and BearMeal founder Ginger Beef about their innovative new product.

“Look, we’ve had a tough year. A tough three years, in fact. But I’ve decided it’s a growth year. You know, like the Oilers,” he said. “We were brainstorming in the office the other day after setting up the new microwaves – so far so good – and decided we better do something big. My good VP had the idea of a nutrient supplement for students, and now here we are.”

The concept behind BearMeal is simple: repurposing leftovers from HUB’s numerous eateries, a bit of shoeshine from the one guy who repairs shoes, a dash of Hello Kitty doll hair from that one weeb store, and three drops per litre of the puddles of students tears that flow down the drain into the HUB art and design studios. Every bougie bottle of BearMeal is designed to perfectly fuel the bitterness, rage, and desire for parental approval that every arts student needs to power through the end of term.

“We’re hoping to attract a large swath of the student body with this product, and really show what this side of campus is made of,” Beef said. “Here’s the trick: you can’t take it past the Humanities pedway, or a hired goon will jump out of the piano and tackle you. And you can’t take it to FAB, or, well, you’ll get hurt there no matter what. So it stays in HUB – unless you sign up to be one of our brand ambassadors. Simply buy a 64-bottle package deal, sell ¾ to your friends in Rutherford Lounge, and give us 4/5 of the profit! You have to sign up for faculty council as well, though. We have a job to do, when we feel like it.”

At press time, BearMeal rivaled Savoy’s in the class of indiscriminate brown mush.