Group Commentary: Favourite conspiracy theories

Millennials are obsessed with conspiracy theories. Alternative explanations for important things are exciting: the Illuminati, Bush did 9/11, the moon landing was a hoax, Princess Diana was murdered (or faked her own death), global warming is a lie, or CNN is fake news. When enough people validate a conspiracy theory, the more likely it seems to be true. Apparently that’s part of a psychological “confirmation bias,” where you focus on details that support these outlandish claims, which suddenly makes them not so outlandish. 

We decided to ask our writers what their favourite conspiracy theories are — whether they’re popular, absurd, or clever — so if you’re looking for some validation with your crazy theories, here it is.


 

Elvis “The King of Rock and Roll” Presley allegedly died on August 16, 1977. Official reports suggest Presley’s passing was a result of a drug overdose on the toilet tragic heart attack in Graceland, his home in Memphis, TN. However, many theorists insist Elvis isn’t dead.

One theory is that Presley was abducted by aliens, and Presley’s tragic heart attack was a fiction created by Jimmy Carter’s presidential administration to hide the existance of extraterrestrial life from the American public. This theory has roots in an alleged “strange, unidentifiable blue light” that appeared over Presley’s place of birth in Toledo, MS. The blue light was reported by Presley’s father and the doctor who delivered Presley. The report of this evidence suggests extraterrestrial beings may have targeted Presley for abduction at the moment of his birth on January 8, 1935 (coincidently the same year Hitler violated the 1919 Treaty of Versailles and announced German military re-armament).

Whether it’s all true or not, I wouldn’t be against aliens giving “The King” back to planet earth.

— Jonah Kondro 


 

While it may seem like the basis of a solipsistic, serpentine screenplay (tentatively titled: Alone Among the World or Lizard People: A Love Story), there are some conspiracy theorists that believe the ruling elite class is entirely comprised of shape-shifting reptilians in disguise.

Who are these lizard people?

 

Where do they come from? Why are they dead set on secretly ruling humanity?

All are excellent questions, and like all good conspiracies, there’s no consensus on any answers. Some believe the lizard people are aliens that only possess the bodies of our world leaders. Others believe these reptiles live in the middle of our hollow earth, and are cultivating humanity as a food source. One thing’s for certain: they’re responsible for the NDP getting elected.

The best thing about this conspiracy theory is the ease with which it can be combined with other conspiracy theories. The Illuminati? Boring. The Illuminati lead by flesh-eating reptiloids? Fucking radical.

— Sam Beetham

 


 

What major celebrity screams “hardcore Satanist” the most to you? Probably Taylor Swift. This theory is great because it’s based on clear photo evidence. Anyone who looks at a picture of former Satanic High Priest Zeena LaVey can see a resemblance to T-Swift that’s too close to be a coincidence. The theory argues that Taylor Swift is a clone of LaVey (because if anyone’s into the business of making pop star clones, it’s probably the Church of Satan). Even if it’s unclear how the cloning worked, the “Bad Blood” video is definitely better if you watch it in full confidence that Taylor Swift worships Satan.

— Julia Heaton


 

You’ve heard about the Grassy Knoll and maybe even read Don DeLillo’s Libra in which the CIA is involved with JFK’s death, but have you heard about Coca-Cola orchestrating President Kennedy’s murder?

Many people refuse to believe the assassination of the 35th president of the United States in 1963 was carried out by a lone gunman (with poor aim) who was interested in communist ideology because how could a lonely low-life such as Lee Harvey Oswald manage to successfully kill such a powerful man on his own?

Here’s where things get weird. Oswald was stationed on the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository (where he allegedly fired shots at the president). Prior to that, he was seen on the second floor next to a Coke machine. Oswald didn’t drink Coke. He loved Dr. Pepper. There was a Dr. Pepper machine on the first floor, which he would have had to pass to climb the stairs. Instead, he went up to the second floor and grabbed a Coke, which he told police after his arrest. Why does this matter? Clearly, Coca-Cola was behind the whole thing. No coincidence their 1963 slogan was “Things go better with Coke.” Hmmm.

— Ashton Mucha


 

Plenty of celebrity look-alikes exist. So, killing one and taking their place is a perfect plan. That’s why Canadian-born singer Avril Lavigne is actually dead.

She made Let Go in 2002, which sold over 20 million copies worldwide. But when Lavigne’s grandfather passed away, she was devastated and famous, high and exhausted, and in 2003 she actually died — suicide or Illuminati, no one knows for sure. Now, Avril Lavigne has been replaced by a doppelgänger, Melissa Vandella, who has caused Lavigne’s career to spiral into oblivion. She transformed the punk “Sk8er Boi” singer into a weird, pop presence who wrote “Girlfriend.” There’s also dozens of stories, interviews, and YouTube videos comparing the old Lavigne to the new, fake Vandella through photographic evidence and changes in appearance. If you’re still not convinced, just remember she married Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger.

— Evan Mudryk


 

With so many conspiracy theories about 9/11 out there already, there are bound to be some weird ones. The absolute weirdest (and best)? The planes that hit the World Trade Centre buildings were two missiles, cloaked in plane-shaped holograms. The usual argument goes that the explosions were too big to have been caused by planes and the U.S. government really wanted the highest death toll possible, in order to justify their planned war on terror. There are many reasons why this theory is completely ridiculous. However, you’re bound to see a lot of weird stuff when you’re watching grainy footage for hours on end.

— Matt Gwozd 


 

Standing on the train platform in my Cadets hoodie with the survival logo branded on the front, I was approached by a women who claimed the logo was masonic in nature. She proceeded to tell me her life story, some of which was all about her family’s devout secrecy in the freemasons and how I should join their ranks.

She bounced between multiple conspiracy theories, saying “Oh yeah, I believe in time travel,” followed by, “the government is lying to us, just like they did with 9/11.” She said “If you look closely on the planes that flew into the towers, they had a black stripe ergo proving they were military.” She proceeded to tell me the hijackers are still alive and are located in Egypt. They’re appalled by these accusations and have even made public statements on the matter. The woman continued to tell me more about the masonic order and how it was the secret society to be in as it has far-reaching political connections. Thankfully, the conversation was cut short by the train arriving at my stop. I haven’t worn that
hoodie since.

— Nicklaus Neitling


 

The New World Order is a broad conspiracy theory that can fit many descriptions. The easiest pill to swallow is the secret cabal of the world’s most powerful and elite are plotting to install an authoritarian world government. However, some claim the New World Order is an unholy dystopian apocalypse ruled by Satan, others claim it is controlled by shape-shifting reptilians, neo-Nazis of the Fourth Reich, or the omnipresent Illuminati. The methods to achieve such incomprehensible power range from gradual shifts towards globalism, mass surveillance towards an Orwellian police state, or occultism to bring about the malevolent dominion of evil demons, monsters, and spirits. Considering that last one, wouldn’t it be awesome to imagine a world that’s become like DOOM?

— Nicholas Villeneuve