Top 10: Smiths

84. The Smiths

I had no clue who these guys were until I watched 500 Days of Summer, which hyped The Smiths up so much that I gave them a listen. Meh. They’re just a standard British rock band with a standard sound. Their music videos are okay. Hypothetical situation: I’m into vinyl collection. Someone gets me The Smiths’ “The Smiths” record. I’m disappointed because there are probably better records in the under $6 box, like “Spring Accordion” which features original songs from local artists in the Kootenay region. And accordions stand out quite a bit more than a few British guys.

10. Blacksmiths

Blacksmiths make horseshoes, boilers, armour, wine racks and rings. Which means blacksmiths are central to your transportation, in-floor heating, protection and marriage symbolism, respectively. They’re here to help you, and that can be seen in your warm floors and in hollywood. Blacksmiths in film usually appear as hero or hero-helping characters in pirate romances and medieval comedies. Besides turning a profit for high-budget stakeholders, the idea of the benevolent and protective blacksmith extends into your home from the screen to warm the forge of your soul.

9. Will Smith

After “Pimpin’ All Over The World” and “Hollaback Girl,” Will Smith’s “Switch” was the best song on MuchDance 2006. He’s in some good movies too.

8. Granny Smith Apple

As a student, I think food with shelf life is pretty decent. And as a violently acidic fruit, the Granny Smith apple can last pretty damn long on a shelf. So Granny Smith apples are pretty decent. That being said, if you eat too many of these apples you run the risk of over-exposing your teeth into nothing which is a disturbing thought. I guess if you want to get around that just drink milk while eating the apple so you can neutralize whatever is in your mouth.

7. Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith

I went to Disney World one time and spent four hours of my life waiting in line for the Aerosmith ride. It was dark and loud and as you’re standing there you’re getting tired, but you can’t peacefully lean on the railings because they’ve been secreted on by thousands of sticky, sweaty hands. But the ride itself is pretty cool. Steven Tyler is yelling and screaming all the time. You’re in a train with three other people, in sort of a Crazy Taxi situation. The ride itself is mostly about speed and has a couple loopy parts but for the most part it’s a ride about speed. I’m not too sure why Aerosmith ended up in a Disney theme park, but it works out pretty okay.

6. Adam Smith

Once upon a time in the 1700s, the pursuit of wealth was considered immoral because it wasn’t the Christian way of things. But then this guy Adam Smith comes in and writes a book to talk about how the pursuit of wealth isn’t actually that bad because it’s a system that gets guys to work their asses off to make bank. Smith says that these guys will get more specialized and more efficient. But production never gets out of hand because you’ve got supply and demand regulating that shit. As the main theorist of how a capitalist system would work, Smith became a legend.

5. My friend’s dad, Smith

Speaking of capitalists, my friend Shauna has a capitalist dad named Smith. I usually didn’t see him when I was hanging out at their house because he was always working or something. Many years ago, he started a trucking company that went national. As the owner, he made bank. Making bank allowed the family to keep a summer house in BC and an everyday life house in Alberta. So that’s pretty cool. His conservative views made his daughter question things like racism and capitalism, and she ended up thinking about life in terms of privilege and inequalities. While that’s not exactly a warm mentorship role, it’s a lot more than most kids around Bezanson get.

4. Conn Smythe trophy

The Conn Smythe goes to the National Hockey League playoff MVP so it’s a big deal. Professional ice hockey journalists vote on the best guy and give him a trophy right before the main trophy, the Stanley Cup, is given out. The Conn Smythe is essentially a testament to democracy in a brutal arena where competition crowns the winner. Past winners of the Conn Smythe include Jonathan Quick and Justin Williams of the Los Angeles Kings, and I like the Kings a lot. This trophy has been in close proximity to people that I think are pretty cool when it comes to sports.

3. Smithers, BC

One time I decided to go on a road trip with my friend in their 2003 Honda Civic. We didn’t have the time and money to go up to the Northwest Territories or the Yukon, and we didn’t want to go south either. And to the east was Saskatchewan. So we drove around northern BC on smooth, shoulderless roads that bring you to this or that isolated town. One of those towns is Smithers. It’s big enough to have a Boston Pizza so it’s not too bad. Kids walk around with ice cream so you know it’s safe there too.

2. Smith Funeral Home Ltd. and Crematorium

Tucked away in the close-knit community of Brooks, AB is the Smith Funeral Home Ltd. and Crematorium, which is “committed to providing dignified, respectful and compassionate assistance to every family.” The home offers cremation, video tributes, grief support, monuments, traditional funerals and an array of other funeral services. Website visitors can also sign up to an email list for obituaries. Numerous articles about coping are also on the website, so those dealing with loss can find suggestions for healing right away. They’ve served the Brooks community with compassion and respect since 1951, so the home is only a few years older than my dad.

1. Agent Smith

This motherfucker. The Matrix is so frustrating to watch because Agent Smith snakes in and out of every person’s body and there’s no way out. But he’s a great character, straight out of old medieval stories. Villains of the 1300s had no motive other than blocking the hero character; personality-wise they weren’t complex at all. They’re unnatural, they’re mysterious and best of all, they’re pure bad guys. Agent Smith doesn’t make you deal with the windy and complex probably-a-good-guy-in-an-alternate-universe-but-bad-guy-because-of-a-bad-situation-so-really-he’s-just-a-human-and-anyways-morality-is-a-sliding-scale-so-this-guy-can’t-be-all-bad. That’s a waste of time. I don’t want a god damn life story of the villain explaining his motives, and neither did the Christians of 1300s London. And that’s the cool part about Agent Smith. Through him, the storytellers from hundreds of years ago can still tell stories to the modern viewer.