March Madness Horoscopes: What do your bandwagon choices say about you?

Kansas Jayhawks

Ab Sch

You’re traditional. Part of you wishes players still had to go up and get the ball out of a Peach Basket in honour of Dr. Naismith’s dream for a game that taught and promoted ladder safety. People may not always respond positively to this old fashioned side of you. Like that time you went on public television and described women who drive while menstruating as a “public safety issue”.

You’re stubborn. You once spent an entire date trying to convince someone they were wrong after they told you, “my name is not Melinda.” You don’t always come off looking great because of this, but being stubborn isn’t always a bad thing either. Like that time you told everyone you could dunk a basketball. Sure, you ended up having to lower the hoop, but you should be proud that your achievement doubles as an apt metaphor for White Privilege.

You don’t go about things quietly. When you support something you make sure people know. This can come off a bit annoying sometimes, like how you kept bringing uncooked corn to your friend’s potlucks as a way of showing your support for local farmers. You rub people the wrong way sometimes, but there’s a myriad of tweets you’ve posted that suggest you’re not “paying attention to the haters”

Oregon Ducks

Ab Sch

You love the outdoors, as made evident by the fact you keep getting locked out of your house. Your style is all about functionality. In fact, your closet is full of cargo shorts and vests with the words “Hike Leader” embroidered on the breast pocket. You’re reflective. It saddens you to think that people are inside on their computers when they could be outside enjoying their phones.

You live an environmentally friendly lifestyle, and want others to do the same. You’ve petitioned DC Comics for a Batman movie where he helps save the planet by biking to the scenes of crimes instead of driving. Although your intentions are good, sometimes you fail to properly convey your message. Your self-produced play, “Mother Nature: Sexy and Single” was panned by both environmental and women’s rights groups. But that didn’t bother you. You’re as a free spirit, as shown by the fact that you wore sandals at all three of your wedding ceremonies.

Michigan State Spartans

Ab Sch

You love working with your hands. Unfortunately, it can be tough to find others who share this same enthusiasm. Maybe you just need to change up your strategy. Strangers probably don’t like you running your hands all over their vehicle and telling them, “A car is a lot like a woman you know.” If it were up to you, you would always enter a room by sliding out from underneath a car.

You take great pride in being tough. You’re always making sure people know this about you even though few ask or care. You believe that the only way to get a woman’s hand in marriage is to first pin her father in a wrestling match. A long time ago, you decided that sleeves were holding your arms back from fulfilling their full potential. As a result you’ve ripped the sleeves off everything, including your dress shirts.

You’re resilient. Being told that you’d never be a Rock Star never stopped you from getting drunk and destroying a hotel room. This resiliency is displayed on a daily basis as well. If a girl doesn’t laugh at your joke, you retell it just in case she didn’t hear it the first time. If she still doesn’t laugh, you explain to her what’s so funny about the joke. In short, there’s no knocking you down.

Duke Blue Devils

Ab Sch

You have a great sense of pride in yourself. When bringing up your accomplishments, you always talk about yourself in the third person. You’re a shameless self-promoter, constantly telling people about your projects. You friends live in perpetual dread at the thought they’ll eventually run out of excuses for why they haven’t seen your one man show, on the life and times of Nelson Mandela.

You consider yourself to be very wise. It seems like you’re always in the middle of a book. In fact, you taught yourself braille so you could read while you drive. You believe this has given you the authority to intervene in other people’s problems. But you don’t have all the answers. No, a sports car isn’t a wise investment. No, radically altering my appearance was NOT a good way to spice up my marriage. No, leaving my family to focus on my singing career was NOT a good idea. Remember, part of being wise is knowing when not to give advice.

Utah Utes

Ab Sch

You’re a fairly boring person. Despite having over 128 GB of storage, the only thing you’ve put on your iPod is Atlas Shrugged as read by Jon Voight. Even your wardrobe is boring. You couldn’t place an exact date on when it happened, but one day you looked in your closet and realized every piece of clothing you owned was beige. 

Knowing that, it seems fitting that you always have to be the voice of reason. Being level-headed isn’t a bad trait, but consider your setting when applying it. People won’t invite you to many parties if you’re always telling everyone that “liquor is not meant to be consumed through an enema”. Or asking if “everyone has been tested within the last calendar year?” Sure these are probably fair points, but that doesn’t mean anyone wants to hear them. Try keeping them to yourself.

North Carolina Tarheels

Ab Sch

You’re proud of your working class background. You constantly post sepia tone pictures of industrial factories on instagram with captions like, “Granddad probably worked there #Humbling”. Having a truck is a huge part of your identity. You once justified running a hatchback off the road under the pretence that it didn’t have enough hauling capacity to be considered a vehicle.

You’re brave. When a challenge presents itself you don’t shy away. Like when you fought that guy who was nearly twice your size. Sure no one asked you to do that, and well, come to think of it everyone was yelling “WHY ARE YA DOING THIS TOMMY! YA GONNA HURT YOURSELF”. And well, maybe that’s not the best example. But hey, you’ve also been described as incredibly loyal. Your friends can always count on you to stand up for them. Like that time you fought that guy who spilt a drink on your buddy. Sure he apologized….and everyone was yelling, “WHY ARE YA DOING THIS TOMMY! NOBODY ASKED YA TO DO THIS!” Okay, maybe brave and loyal aren’t the best choice of words. Asshole might be better?

Miami Hurricanes

Ab Sch

You love attention. You only ride in cars that have a sunroof for you to stand up and scream out of. You once sang an original twelve minute long ballad at a Kareokee bar. You threw yourself down a staircase at your sister’s baby shower to protest how much attention her son was getting. In short you love drama, which can be exhausting for people around you. That’s probably why so many of your close friends have mysteriously disappeared, only to re-emerge years later with a new name and social insurance number.

You’re very concerned about your image. Maintaining your brand is more important than the truth. As a result, all your profile picture are of you in a bathing suit despite the fact you’ve never been to the beach. Your fashion is a major part of your brand. All of your jeans have the word DIVA written on the back pockets in metal studs. You truly believe in the ideal of faking it til you make it.

Kentucky Wildcats

Ab Sch

You don’t stay in relationships long. Even when you’re committed to someone, it feels like a pit stop until something better comes along. This attitude isn’t completely unjustified, you’re a hot topic! People are always vying for your attention, and that’s not always a good thing. Like the time that your High School Principal started wearing ripped jeans a day after he saw you in a pair.

And that’s just one of the reasons you don’t see the value of school. You’re always bringing up the fact that Bill Gates didn’t go to college. Sure that’s true, but the same could also be said of your Uncle who “accidentally” posted a picture of his dick on instagram. This is lost on you since you see stardom in your future. You value celebrities above all else. You’re the type of person who follows everything the Kardashians do, but still publicly complain that they’re famous.

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