Three NBA teams nobody cares about that could be moved to Seattle immediately

It’s tough for Seattleites to forget David Stern packing the entire SuperSonics roster into the back of a U-Haul en route to Oklahoma City following their final game in 2008. Making it worse was Stern asking a group of gathering fans to help guide him so he could back out safely. This isn’t exactly a proper goodbye, but does Seattle really deserve another team because of it? And barring an expansion, what city deserves to lose their team to Seattle?

Atlanta Hawks

Can we really feel too bad for a fan base that had a row of fans spell “INDIFFERENT” on their chests every game last season? Or how about the fact that no one seemed to care Mike Budenhouzier coached all home games in a bath robe? And are we just going to ignore the fact that in an interview last year, Danny Ferry was only able to name two current Atlanta Hawks players? Later adding, “Dominique Wilkins too, I think.”

Okay, none of that happened, but try finding someone who cares enough about the Hawks to correct me. That is a Holy Grail type quest. And while you might eventually find one, you should use your time to explain to them all they can still do in the city of Atlanta once their team is gone.

Here’s a great feature of their city: try walking through Atlanta and not ending up in the background of a Tyler Perry movie. From Tyler Perry Presents: A Guide To Stopping Sexual Harassment in the Workplace, to titles like Madea Pushes The Boundaries of the First Amendment, chances are you’re in at least a couple shots. How exciting is that?! You’re just feet away from fame and fortune! Did you know Jon Hamm was discovered trying on jeans in the background of I Can Do Bad All By Myself?

ATLiens can also take pride in Outkast, a group integral in integrating Southern Culture into hip hop with songs like Hey Ya, Rosa Park, and Hey Ya (Remix). Their unique sound, and use of southern slang helped pave the way for artists like Killer Mike, T.I. and Gucci Mane. While there will always be criticisms levied against hip hop artists, there isn’t anything to condemn about “Wanna be like Gucci? Little buddy eat your vegetables”.

Finally, you’re only a short drive away from the World of Coca Cola! Have Atlanta Native Ed Helms greet you at the door as Dr. John Pemberton, hilariously portraying one of Pemberton’s famous coke fuelled rages. Then treat yourself to one of over a hundred flavours of coke. With choices ranging from Sprite Remix: Wet Apple to Coke: Extra Thick there’s no way you won’t find the perfect flavour! Don’t forget to finish the tour by taking your picture with a replica of the briefcase entrusted to carry the Coca Cola formula. Take in that standard issue T748 Magnetic Clasp….REPLICA! What a tour!

Yes, Atlanta may not always have a basketball team, but it will always have a lot going on.

Brooklyn Nets

The real question is: does Seattle deserve the punishment of having to cheer for the Nets? This is less a team than a constant test of patience. Even Jay-Z said it, “the Nets could go 0-82 and I look at you like that shit gravy.” This more or less translates to, “I’ve got a pretty great life and not even my involvement with this god awful franchise can ruin that.”

You have to ask yourself what kind of person has sacrificed their personal happiness to be a Nets fan. This means choosing to live with the reality that General Manager Billy King traded away players like Damian Lillard and Derrick Favors so they could watch Joe Johnson play isolation offence for 23 seconds while Brook Lopez drags his broken feet up the floor. It’s too bad “The Fault In Our Stars” is already taken, because it’d be the perfect name for a movie about how King once tried to pass Lopez, Johnson and Deron Williams as a big three.

Adding to the Nets troubles is the fact that most New Yorkers are loyal Knick fans. Even the city wide campaign, “The Nets. A Basketball Team. But don’t get your hopes up” didn’t attract fans. The Nets just have to realize that the Knicks will always be a bigger draw for New Yorkers. Not because it’s particularly fun to be a Knicks fan, but because their influence is comparable to a large black hole sucking and consuming all the life surrounding it.

The Nets can’t compete with that kind of all-consuming sadness, despite how hard it seems King has tried. In Brooklyn, they’re just a second fiddle team, with a General Manager who seems content trading away picks for aging stars. Seattle would probably have to deal with the mediocrity King has placed them in for a while. But at least we’ll get to see Macklemore struggle to make lyrics about Jarrett Jack. Cool.

Utah Jazz

Some might argue that the Jazz are a well-run franchise with a passionate and dedicated fan base. Others might argue that for a team to be named the Utah Jazz, something terrible must have happened to space and time — likely due to time travel — which caused us to unknowingly fall in a parallel timeline governed by chaos. Both are good points. It’s true the Jazz are a small market team with a strong fan base, however it’s also true that their name is so preposterous, you could move them and have America quickly accept they never existed.

But let’s look at some numbers to back this up. When approached on the streets, only 7 per cent of Americans knew that the Utah Jazz were a basketball team. In stark contrast, 34 per cent asked if this was some kind of joke, and a staggering 48 per cent believed that a name like the Utah Jazz was, “a mathematical impossibility.”

Even lifelong students of the game have found themselves shocked to find out Utah has a team. In a 2002 interview, Kobe Bryant describes finding out about the Jazz in his rookie season: “I remember being told ‘pack your bags we’re going to Salt Lake’ and being like, and what are we gonna do there? Ski?”

I know arguing to take a team away from a dedicated fan base might appear to go against the spirit of this article, but ultimately, we have to weigh the complete meltdown of Utah vs. how long it would take America to forget that it happened. I’ll do this in a short pro and con list, with Pro being things like America’s excitement over a Seattle team, and Cons representing possibilities like internet forum “JazzFanz” servers melting into a pile of bubbling plastic.

Pro: Smells like….team spirit!? Who wouldn’t be excited to see a hype video that includes Kurt Cobain explaining that he finds the gendered aspects of sports oppressive?

Con: Utahans begin their collective death march into Brigham Canyon, the largest open-pit mine in America.

Pro: You know how I know that Brigham Canyon is the largest open-pit mine in America? It was #12 on a FUN FACTS list about Utah. The idea that ANYONE from Utah would think that’s a fun fact, let alone to put it so high on the list is reason alone to move this team.

Con: Every full moon, Jerry Sloan is seen wandering in the shadows of the Energy Solutions Arena, calling out for John Stockton and Karl Malone.

Pro: Bill Gates replaces Lionel Hollins with a Windows 10 Computer as part of an advertising scheme.

Cons: Watching a desktop computer coach the Nets to a league best 68-14 raises uncomfortable questions about man’s place in an increasingly computerized world.

Verdict: Some great points in each category. But could you expect any other verdict? MOVE! THAT! TEAM!