Burlap Sack: Shoppers Drug Mart no longer open 24-hours

To the universe we owe the question: why?

What has Shoppers Drug Mart done to be deserving of such an unsubtle execution as this? Today, the removal of their 24-hour policies; tomorrow, the end.

Shoppers, how I will cherish our time together! Myself but a humble drunkard stumbling through your aisles at 3am, hunting for the sacred items I know you’ll have both of: snacks and ibuprofen for the dark morning to come. I ineptly attempt to use the self-checkout, which I cannot even operate sober, all the while watched over by a night security guard who somehow always looks exactly like someone I know. Realizing my stupidity, an employee helps me, with the brand of sleep-deprived hospitality only a Shoppers night shift employee can give. I trip on the way out the door, but I’m not worried, for Shoppers does not judge.

How will I forget the last-minute saves you have afforded me? You have always been there, with your emergency midnight milk for my mac and cheese, your endless supply of tiny hair products I am able to take on airplanes; even your Xbox controllers when I could not wait until the morning. Who will I go to when I need both cheaply made halloween decorations and a dozen cream eggs after 10 p.m.? Where will I go when, at 2 a.m., I break my phone cord for the fifth time this year?

There will be a void in my life without you, 24-hour Shoppers. I consider you less as a store, more a friend. Your overpriced lawn ornaments and disproportionately large condom selection just don’t seem the same in the sober daylight. How am I supposed to giggle with my friends about the fact that you stock dish soap and chips in the same aisle?

24-hour Shoppers, I’ll always hold our time together close to my heart. You have seen me in the worst, most animalistic states I have ever been in, but have still given me the strawberry milk and ramen noodles I ventured out to purchase. During exam season I should have been locked in a cage at the zoo, yet still you provided me with the staples, bandaids, and ground coffee I needed.

Thank you, 24-hour Shoppers. I will not cry for you, for you are in a better place: away from the cruel world which would see your demise.