SuppliedDespite violent bickering back and forth in The Gateway.office about who should win each of the SU executive races this year, there’s one thing we can all agree on, and that’s that this year’s joke candidates leave a little something to be desired.
Yes, the combined forces of Omnibot and Frank Daniels come off as more of a waste of time than a funny or entertaining sideshow. So instead, our writers put their heads together to come up with some solid alternative options that would have made better joke candidates for SU President.
In keeping with the trend of non-human joke candidates for Students’ Union (see Omnibot, Horse with a Gun, Soundwave), and to honour the life of a great actor and human being who recently left us, I nominate Spock for Students’ Union President.
Spock, being half-Vulcan and having had a predominantly Vulcan upbringing, is well-trained in the use of logic in any situation. His decisions are never motivated by personal interests or agendas. In keeping with the axiom “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few,” Spock would make sure that the needs of the university and student body are put before his own or any other individuals, without exception (unless Chekov is in trouble). Furthermore, his superior Vulcan brain is well-equipped to handle complex mathematical computations with ease. This will help him make the best possible use of the funds at his disposal. If he can calculate the coefficient of relapse time in relation to the acceleration curve in a time continuum, he can avoid going over budget.
However, Spock is not just a computer in the body of a humanoid. Being half human, he also possesses an innate sense of compassion for his fellow creatures. His ability to experience sympathy and empathy while not letting his actions be dictated by his emotions will allow him to connect with the student body just as deeply as any other human SU President, while still approaching difficult situations from a position of logic and reason.
With his superior Vulcan intellect and affinity for logic-based action, Spock would make the best of all possible SU candidates.
Live long and prosper. – Riley Samson
These are desperate times for university students who feel like they are just getting screwed here and there. With that in mind, who better to advocate for student’s interests other than Grumpy Cat?
Yes, we should have fucking Grumpy Cat as a joke candidate. If you think about it, he’d make the perfect advocate for students. Just imagine what his platform would be like. “Leadership College? How about no.” “Higher tuition? I had that once, it was awful.” “You want to cut funding for education? I want to cut our friendship.” Clearly, Grumpy Cat has the answers to everything: a cold, hard, unforgiving NO to all the bad ideas the university administration and the provincial government have to throw at us. The sheer negativity of the situation deserves a negative response from students and Grumpy Cat would be well up to that task. Because after all, optimism is overrated.
As the frowning face of the SU, his misanthropic demeanor would make a nice change in style, as opposed to say William Lau.
Also, Grumpy Cat has fur and four legs, something clearly lacking in this year’s joke candidates. Last year’s Doge candidate gave us our fix for furry candidates which is more than I can say for either Omnibot or Frank Daniels. – Nathan Fung
The best joke candidate in this election would definitely be the left shark from the Katy Perry Superbowl Halftime show. While it’s making a small appearance in the actual candidates this year in the form of Frank Daniels wanting to give everyone a left shark costume, it should have been extrapolated to a full blown candidate.
Left shark is the unofficial icon of the Super Bowl performance, and only because it didn’t learn the dance moves it was supposed to. But bumbling through a performance is exactly what we all do to get through university. It’s relatable.
Really, it would be the perfect joke candidate because it shines a mirror on the actual people in the race. What is student government if not just a confused person dressed up in a suit who pretends to know what they’re doing in front of thousands of people? – Kieran Chrysler
Everyone thinks left shark is hilarious and whatnot, but isn’t part of politics advocating for the little guy? The forgotten man?
In this case, the forgotten man is not a man, but a shark. With all the uproar that left shark caused, not many people remember that there was a right shark, and he actually had his shit together.
Left shark would be so out to lunch that he wouldn’t even be able to run a campaign, joke or otherwise. His shtick would purely be based on poor dance moves and not knowing what’s going on, and that gets old fast. For all we know, right shark could be a political satire writer in his spare time. That would definitely help him formulate a hilarious and insightful joke campaign. Meanwhile, left shark would just be dancing poorly and generally not understanding direction, and we’d all be tired of him after about 20 minutes.
Right shark may actually be able to win as a joke candidate, to hell with the SU bylaws, right shark forever. – Zach Borutski
