Joshua StorieWhere can you turn when life throws a wrench in your best laid plans? Who will lend an ear, reserve all judgement, and simply listen when you’re in need of answers to life’s toughest questions? Your mom, dad, or dearest childhood friend? No. You ask Jonah (with the neck tattoos).
He’s 29 (but he’ll tell you he’s 30), and he left a career as a ticketed automotive service technician to study English and Philosophy at the U of A. Just like you, Jonah doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up, and has never held a steady relationship for more than a year. But he does own his own house, rides motorcycles, and is 4-0 as an amateur boxer. So, if you need advice from a guy who claims to have “seen Fight Club close to 50 times,” and has a tattoo of Curious George holding a banana, all you have to do is ask Jonah.
My friend has been seeing this guy for 3 weeks now and they spend nights together (12 hours +), but when he leaves, he won’t text/talk to her. And she’s always the one messaging him first.
As if I haven’t heard, “I’m asking for a friend, no really.” But anyways I’ll address this “friend” as “you” in my response.
I’m assuming you’re looking for some advice or some insight into the male mind (or both). I’m thinking that sex is occurring between you and this guy. And I’m also thinking that 12 hours + is enough to time to share at least one meal together or some act of eating (and that could be nude sandwich artistry in the middle of the night).
I recommend you take a moment to recall what was going on during the 12 hours + when acts of eating occurred. If you cooked, did this guy help prepare the meal or assist clean up? If you ordered in, did this guy get off the couch to meet the delivery person and pay, or did this guy offer to pay (at least half)? Or does it seem like this guy shows up to eat, watch your Blu-rays, and have sex? If this guy is splitting some duties or is at least cognizant enough to offer to help out when he’s over, he’ll probably be alright to date for a while — you both will just need to work on some communication. But if it seems this guy is only in it for the food, movies, and sex, you’re basically looking after this guy for 12 hours + like a mother figure who bangs him.
Are you and this guy ever staying over at his place? I get it: he may have silly, stupid, and gross roommates (or parents) that you might not want to interact with (that’s why the time you spend with this guy is at your place). Based off the limited insight into the fresh three-week-old relationship, it seems it’s one-sided and you’re the one putting in all the work, and that’s not right.
But on the flip side, three weeks is hardly enough time to know something. He still could be anxious when texting with you (because he doesn’t want to say anything dumb and ruin things). He might also be worried he’ll come off as needy or too attached if he thinks he texts too much (so that’s why he doesn’t do it at all).
Fuck all that hypothetical anxiety he might have. If you two are considered “seeing each other” after three weeks, you both should be communicating outside of the 12 hours + sexy time. I’d start by expressing your need for him to initiate communication the next time you’re both together (don’t text this — it’s too important). Tell him in person that by initiating a conversation (whether it’s a simple “How’s your day?” text) it serves as affirmation or validation of the relationship for you (even if the relationship is three weeks old, it’s still a relationship). And don’t use sex or sandwiches as a bargaining tool (you might as well re-download Tinder at that point). If this guy says he’s not a texter or doesn’t like making phone calls, I’d call him on his bullshit. It’s 2017, everyone likes to text, talk, and send nudes more than ever before.
