From the archives: How to become a Golden Bears hockey Player in 1983

I believe I was in the RATT when this all came together. The decision was instantaneous. I would try out for the Bears’ hockey team. The prospect was dizzying. Beautiful girls, status and glory; all was possible. I had to make the team.

Unfortunately there was 109 other guys with the same idea. It’s easy to spot the Bears from last year. They take up all the bench space in the dressing room with an air of confident justification. The rest of us dreamers are left to thrash around trying to dress in the tiny space remaining.

At tryouts the would-be player endeavours to stand out. In order to stand out one must look like a better player than the next guy. I thought I had discovered a good way to do this. During the passing drills I would pass the puck either in front or behind my mate, thus making him look as though he were not in the appropriate position. Conversely when I was being passed the puck I would cleverly fail to receive it thus creating the impression that my mate’s passing abilities were faulty. These methods were not always easy for me to put into use. Once I happened to be teamed with a former Bear for a serpentine and drop pass drill. Each of his passes was exactly in the right spot; it was hard to miss or bobble the puck but I succeeded each time.

It is important to know what to do on the two-on-one. On a two-on-one the defencemen cannot win; he is outnumbered. The defencemen should fall down in these cases and then by gesture indicate a defect in the ice. As I was not particularly adept at backwards skating I cunningly fell almost immediately, thus preventing the opposing forwards the chance of streaking around me.

Coaches like to see clever and novel play. If you are a forward, as I was, you might try a long pass back to your goalie. Coaches like to see players who control the game so wheeling in your own end with the puck is a good to do. Most players only half-wheel, and then immediately head man the puck. The longer you wheel the puck the more attention you get while at the same time stymying your team mates’ potential glory. Some players are disdainful of this practice but I think “puck hogging” the mark of a shrewd and intelligent player. I employed this technique with relative success. I scored no goals but neither did my team mates.

Then No. 75, Cam Mills cleverly pretends the puck is not in between his skates.

Lastly I will say something of the finesse or dirty tricks play. If it looks like you can trip someone unnoticed, do it. Of course you should abuse only those players whose retaliatory power you do not fear. The butt end or spear is a sorely under-used offensive manoeuvre. Frequently the elbow is overlooked. A seasoned player should know all these elements and continually strive to improve his finesse play. I did not make the team but I believe that the information I have uncovered in two practices will ensure the success of future generations of ambitious players.

— Cameron Mills

*Readers should note that the Bears did not advertise their tryouts for the 1984 season like other teams. This might be why.