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Top 5: Impractical costumes to impress your friends with this Halloween

To fulfill all your dreams of inability to move, see, or breathe

Halloween is coming up, which means you might want to start looking for a costume. If you’re like me and you’re too lazy to make your own) you’ll have to decide on a store-bought one. But don’t worry, I’ve already found some options for you. Instead of looking for the scariest or most impressive costumes, I went for things you wouldn’t just regret buying, but also regret putting on. So look out, here come the top 5 impractical costumes you can order online for yourself right now.


Poop emoji 💩

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Blow up costumes are all the rage these days. Most people go for a dinosaur, but you should be original and mix it up a little. You know what kids love that aren’t dinosaurs? That’s right: poop! Dress up as a big inflatable pile of poop this Halloween. Make the kids laugh! Make the adults regret inviting you! It comes with the bonus of cutting off most of your vision and extending almost past arm’s reach, which is sure to lead to some wacky hijinks.


Pickle Rick

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You’re Pickle Rick! Your parents are disappointed. While only somewhat inconvenient to wear, it’s the best on this list at making all your friends give you a pitying chuckle on the outside, and start planning their group chat without you on the inside. If that doesn’t sell you, just look at the model in the costume! He’s having a great time.


Rasta Imposta Genie in the Lamp

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What’s great about this costume is that it gives you a good range of motion while also providing a long, unwieldy protrusion at the crucial pelvic level. It makes it on to this list for being impossible to wear in public with any decency, along with its powerful phallic imagery and ability to make people wish you’d just put the Pickle Rick costume back on. Bonus points if you spend the night asking people to rub you for wishes (you only need to grant one, because all they’ll wish is to never talk to you again).


Thigh gap clown

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Do you like being able to move your arms or legs? Do you enjoy walking instead of waddling? Do you want people to stop seeing you as a clown when you take off your costume? If the answer to all these questions is no, then this costume may be for you. Some people say sexy costumes are going out of style, but damn, just look at that thigh gap.


Sexy priest

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Despite the great freedom of motion this costume allows, it tops this list because a brief step outside while wearing it would actually kill you in this city. The sexual energy flowing out of this holy garb is second only on this list to the raw, erotic passion that gushes from thigh gap clown, but unlike that costume, this item is unwearable in public. Actually, you shouldn’t wear it in private either, at least not without both oral and written consent from whoever you’re subjecting it to, and maybe the Vatican. Best of all, once you venture outside, emotionally scar some children, and die of hypothermia, this attire taunts divine retribution more than any other so-called “sexy” costume. Should hell exist, you can expect a very warm welcome in the afterlife.

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