Only a few politicians have been controversial enough, enigmatic enough, or outrageous enough to become a meme. Ted Cruz, a winter baby from Calgary, has managed to hold that particular spotlight more than once. But I’m going to say what everyone else won’t: Ted Cruz does not look like that sketch of the Zodiac Killer. They bear about as much of a passing resemblance as any two white dads picked out of a crowd. The only thing they share is the flat look of hopelessness in their eyes. But fear not; Cruz is a man of many faces, which is to say that a lot of people look like him. Here are my personal top five Ted Cruz lookalikes.
1: Spiderus from Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch
I watched this show a lot as a kid, and Spiderus’ nihilistic sense of humour played a large part in shaping my own. I never thought I’d be here today, comparing him to an American politician, but his wide jaw and pained smile are unmistakably Cruz-ian.
2: This guest on Maury
Poor Searcy Hayes became a quick internet sensation after appearing on the Maury Show, not because of the fact that she was unsure who fathered her child, but because she bears an absolutely uncanny resemblance to the good junior senator. Notably, she was later offered $10,000 to appear in an adult film. Go Searcy!
3: Kevin Malone
Kevin Malone: the man, the (cookie) monster, the chili-making legend. Kevin looks about how I think Ted Cruz would look without the immeasurable despair in his eyes, and with a little less hair.
4: Nicolae Ceaușescu
To be clear: I am not comparing Ted Cruz to a dictator because of political policy. These two just happen to look extremely similar. That nose? The same. Unyielding and inescapable hauntedness written across their face every waking moment of their lives? THE SAME.
5: Grandpa Munster
Of everyone on this list, Grandpa Munster actually looks the closest to Cruz. They have the same nose and face shape, and both of them probably sleep in coffins and wither at the gentle caress of daylight.
In the end, we really are just living in a world of Ted Cruzes. You’d be surprised just how many people have a similar face to his. Don’t look too hard at the next gas station attendant you see, or the next suit walking out of that big office building down the street. You might come to the same awful realization as I have: each of us are Ted Cruz. So is all of nature. Down to the atom, we are him and he is us. Try not to think about it.