Burlap Sack: Parties without animals

This title may confuse some of you. Don’t all parties have animals? Party animals? Haha, good one, Kyle. That’s not the kind of animal I mean.

If you’re like me, you already know what I’m talking about. If I agree to attend a party, I’m already somewhere I don’t want to be. I prefer to do my black-out drinking in the company of few, not in front of an entire sports team. That being said, I usually go to parties and just cling to whoever I came with, barely drinking, terrified at the thought of being left with people I don’t know. This is where the animals come in.

Sometimes at parties, there’s some kind of animal. A cat or a dog, a bird, a fish; hell, I’ve even hung out with a snake all night. The animal in question, whatever it is, gives me an excuse to be antisocial, because I’m not actually being antisocial. People don’t look at someone cuddling a dog and think, “look how riddled with social anxiety she is;” they just think you want to pet a dog. You can hang out with someone’s pet all night, and the only consequence will be saying goodbye when you have to leave.

Finding an animal to hang out with doesn’t only benefit you. Remember that friend I was talking about, the one you did everything but surgically attach an umbilical cord to? Now they get freedom too! Instead of feeling you breathe down their neck all night, they can freely enjoy the party they dragged you to in the first place while you’re occupied with Mr. Whiskers. It’s a win-win situation.

All I’m saying is, if you’re going to throw a party, have the decency to have an animal. Some of us hate being in your house as much as you hate cleaning up in the morning. Your pet will get attention all night, and your party will look more complete with me on the floor talking to Sprinkles or Banjo or whatever you named them. Your party is worse without animals and everyone knows it, so get a pet. #adoptdontshop

Payton Ferguson

Payton Ferguson is a second-year English major by day, 2019-20 Opinion Editor for The Gateway by night (and also day). She enjoys long walks to the fridge, writing until her wrists ache, and bombarding social media with pictures of her chihuahuas.

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