Every day, I walk by the spot in HUB where there’s supposed to be a Wetzel’s Pretzels. I see it’s still boarded up — still unopened — and I get one day closer to death.
And so I ask you: where the heck is Wetzel’s Pretzels??????????????
Many students, including me, were extremely excited to hear the American pretzel chain was planning to open in HUB in late October or early November. However, it’s already December and there seems to have been little progress on the renovations to the space. They even still have the sign about hiring up.
This is a travesty. This campus needs pretzels. They’re quick and easy to grab on the way to a class. They’re cheap. They’re filling. They’re like the warmest, most savoury hug, and in these cold, dark, snowy times they could be a beacon of hope for us all.
Once, I went to the Wetzel’s Pretzels in West Edmonton Mall, bought a bag of cinnamon bites, and ate them while watching A Star is Born at the theatre by myself. This might sound sad to you, but I swear it was one of the most formative experiences I’ve had this year. I don’t want to have to go all the way to West Ed to experience that magic. I want to have access to it from the comfort of my own campus.
Sometimes, when I’m starving and sad, I wonder if Wetzel’s Pretzels will ever open. Was this all an elaborate ruse to trick students into feeling happiness for once in their lives, only to rip that happiness away from us when we need it the most?
Please, please just let me eat a pretzel.