The GatewayThe CCIS Observatory will undergo a $2.5 billion renovation to construct a nano ray laser cannon and fully equip the building with booby traps in response to security concerns.
“We are living in a day and age where technology is reaching a point where supervillain attacks are imminent,” said Jacob Schwepps, Dean of the Faculty of Science. “And as a university, our faculty is teeming with mad scientists one dead spouse away from coming to work in a cape and handmade goggles.”
The university hopes that by transforming the observatory space they might be able to draw attention away from the more valuable sights on campus like the creepy nanotech building, or the entire engineering corner of campus which has gold bricks fused into the walls.
“We like to think of it as the fake wasp nest effect. You know when you put up a fake wasp nest to keep wasps from building a real nest near your house? We hope that supervillains will respect territorial boundaries and see the University of Alberta as claimed by one of their kind,” said Amanda Joney, the head coordinator of the project.
Once renovations are complete, the observatory will be prepped with a fully-functioning nanolaser cannon, buttons with blinking lights, levers, piranha and alligator pits, saws that come down from the ceiling, a flux capacitor, and Skynet.
The diversion should protect CCIS and surrounding buildings. Discussion regarding a similar lair in the medicine and dentistry buildings are underway. It is unlikely that FAB will benefit from the new security.
“Yeah we’re really hoping that this plan screws over the arts once and for all,” Dean Schwepps said, crossing his fingers and saying a silent prayer.
