Alex Patterson
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re a well-seasoned crouton. Don’t leave home without rubbing thousand island salad dressing over your genitals.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re a fucking bagel, bro.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are the Olive Garden breadstick of people, coated in unnamed herbs and cheeses, and glistening mysteriously under the fluorescent lights. The meal might have sucked, but your warm centre has people coming back for more.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are long, hard baguette. Please remember that you only have a limited time to admire the tomatoes before your bruschetta turns into soft, savoury mush.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You are Bargain 20% off Unsliced Whole Wheat Loaf – Tough, grainy, difficult to get into, but probably good for you? Moms love it, kids hate it. Enjoyed with such favourites as bargain lunch meat, and Kraft singles.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are rock hard gluten free toast. Like the sands of time itself, you lack all moisture but damn if you don’t make a vegan happy.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’re cornbread. You’ve made it from a small rural community to the tables of a very specific niche of people who actually enjoy eating cornbread.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Like the croissant is the macaroni of bread, you are the croissant of people. Out there, having a good time, making sandwiches just a bit more fancy. Some may say you’re an outlier, a pastry not a bread. But you’ll prove them wrong.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are a fresh loaf of Focaccia. Cheesy and flat. Find an Italian man’s lap to sit on.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are Subway’s Italian herbs and cheese bread. Some may say it’s a worse choice than whole wheat. Since the moon is in retrograde, watch your footlong.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You are the glorious sandwich crumbs that city pigeons feast upon. You, and only you, keep the community around you intact and happy. Keep being the social glue that binds your friends together.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You are French Toast Crunch. Sure, it may be an unexpected form of bread, but we’re talking about tiny cereal-sized bits of french toast, so it counts. While not many will consider you a bread, what’s important is that you make people’s day by putting them off to a sweet sugary start.
