In this segment, our writers turn a pen against the music industry’s worst penned offerings. No song is safe from being taken down in Diss Track.
“Halfway off the Balcony”
Big Sean’s latest album, I Decided., has two songs on it about jumping off of a house — which pretty much sums up what listening to the album makes you want to do.
One of these tracks, “Halfway off the Balcony,” is extravagantly melodramatic about, what else, girl problems. Is he still a thing with Jhené Aiko? Fuck, whatever, I don’t even give a shit Sean. Typical topic choice aside, the song is truly depressing in a sense that it is so motionless. There is not a single note in the instrumental that strays away from the chord progression, (i.e. it’s generic and boring). To make matters worse, Sean rushes and stumbles his way through flows that don’t ever gain solid footing, and at one point, he pitches his voice down, but his prepubescent tone doesn’t translate and the effect is lost.
This song misses musically on so many points, that the only thing that could redeem it is lyrics… which is hilarious, considering this is a
Big Average Sean album. There’s an actual line in the song that says, “Do it for the love, I’m Forrest Gumpin.” 99.9 per cent of the lyrics are so mediocre that that was the only line that stood out. And yes, if you’re wondering, it stands out in a bad way.
“First things first, Imma say all the words inside my head,” are this song’s first lyrics. You don’t say? It’s been a while since I’ve heard a lyric with so little meaning.
Sound wise, the drums are wimpy, relying on a simple tom fill to cover up the fact that they are definitely programmed in the studio. The acoustic guitar is simple, boring and without variation. The instrumental sounds paper thin and digitally edited beyond belief, making me think Imagine Dragons are actually robots.
This lazy instrumental persists through the hook as well. At this point it just seems Imagine Dragons threw some Garageband loops together and sang over it. I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t a single real instrument on this song. Hey! On the second verse they throw in some digital hi-hats and something I assume is guitar!(?) Still boring.
Ohmygod. I can’t believe this. The first line of the last verse is “Last things last by the grace of the fire and the flames.” Not only can I assume that Dan Reynolds is a living, breathing cliché, but he’s a Dragonforce fan, too. It figures, as they have something in common: their music is entirely made in the sealed laboratory they call a studio.
Post Malone ft. Quavo
The music video for “Congratulations” starts off with footage of Post and Quavo hugging it out. Something I can only imagine Post included to try and prove that black people actually fuck with him.
Backed by a vapid, atmospheric beat, Post tries singing, rapping, and even doing both at the same time, but nothing works. His voice is pitched, corrected, and modulated to the point where it just sounds saccharine. Lyrically, it seems the only thing Post can string together are clichés. There is not a single original thought on this track, Quavo included. Lines like “How can I make sense when I got millions on my mind,” would be decent if the wordplay of sense/cents hadn’t been done a million times. I’m also completely unconvinced anyone can “forget how to vacation.”
I can’t be sure if it’s the beat or what, but even Quavo is wack on this track — thanks Post, you even ruined Quavo! He tries to sing but needs autotune by the metric tonne to stay on pitch. When he raps, his rhymes never quite hit and also rely entirely on clichés. Comparing his life to a ball game, he raps “but instead I’m in the bando, pot so big call it Superbowl.” This line might’ve worked if the Vince Lombardi trophy was called the Superbowl, but now I’m just gonna take it to mean he’s cooking crack in a pot the size of 111.3 million people.
Roasting this song would’ve been easier if ANYTHING other than stupid lyrics stood out, but this is as Soundcloud rapper as it comes. So congratulations Post Malone, you created a boring and generic song.