Joshua StorieWhere can you turn when life throws a wrench in your best laid plans? Who will lend an ear, reserve all judgement, and simply listen when you’re in need of answers to life’s toughest questions? Your mom, dad, or dearest childhood friend? No. You ask Jonah (with the neck tattoos).
He’s 29 (but he’ll tell you he’s 30), and he left a career as a ticketed automotive service technician to study English and philosophy at the U of A. Just like you, Jonah doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up and has never held a steady relationship for more than a year. But he owns his own house, rides motorcycles, and is 4-0 as an amateur boxer. So, if you need advice from a guy who claims to have “seen Fight Club close to 50 times,” and has a tattoo of Curious George holding a banana, all you have to do is ask Jonah.
What’s your fav sexual emoji combination?
I’m late to the smartphone game. Back when the first iPhones came out, some dude at a party showed me the “Zippo App.” I thought the concept of a touchscreen phone was stupid, so I held off getting a smartphone for a long time. Eventually I did get an iPhone 5, but I lost it riding my motorcycle and went back to using my good ol’ flip phone. I actually spent money on a new flip phone and used it for over a year before I got a smartphone again in the summer of 2016.
While I was bouncing back and forth between flip phones and smartphones, a whole new language was developing and I had no idea what was going on. I used to get messages on my flip phone with blank squares in and amongst the text. It turns out people would be sending me emojis in messages, and the flip phone technology had no idea how to represent the eggplant or any emoji on the little screen. I’d reply to the sender with question marks in a text and get “lol” back. I’ve probably missed out on so many opportunities to get laid.
What’s the best vape flavour?
The best vape flavour is the one that tastes like you’re throwing the vape juice in the garage can and buying a pack of cigarettes.
What sex position is overrated?
Let’s be real here: if you’re in a position and having sex, it’s never overrated.
What sex location is underrated?
I don’t think enough people are banging in their vehicles. A vehicle is like a motel room on wheels: instead of room service there’s drive-thrus; the penthouse suite is the High Level Bridge; and instead of renting overpriced pay-per-view porn, you make your own in
the backseat.
When you’re in a vehicle, you can decide what sex location you want to be at. You can leave town and bang in the country, or you can pull into a parking lot and bang beside the spot where all the snow gets piled up. Better yet, drive to the international airport, get on a plane to a sunny place, and have sex on the beach.
Would you rather be terrible at sex but always orgasm, or be really good at sex but never orgasm?
I don’t know what it means to be “really good at sex.” Does that mean I have the cardio to perform like Rocco Siffredi? Or does it mean that I can get a female to climax and orgasm? Because I know how to do that. It’s not like I have a set sexual choreography that always makes it happen every time, but I’m 30 years old and capable of communicating with my sexual partner. Once some foreplay has been initiated, I like to ask, “Hey, what gets you off?” Then I do whatever my partner tells me to do. And if they don’t know what they like, consensual experimentation is effective to find a response that suggests an orgasm is building. Then I keep doing whatever it is that I’m doing until her orgasm occurs.
I digress. To answer the question, I’d rather be really good at sex but never orgasm. I could always masturbate afterwards and make it happen for myself – but who wants to live in that world?
