Adulting 101: Dealing with the common cold

After a stressful two weeks of class, a dozen 2 a.m. bedtimes, and one sweaty, germy visit to a spin class, the inevitable happened. I caught a cold.

For a grown (almost) 24-year-old man like myself, a common cold should be no big deal. I mean, I’ve got the brains to pass finance, the brawn to carry at least five bags of groceries from the car to the kitchen (in each hand thank you), and the will power to only eat only 10 of the 20 Timbits I just bought, so dealing with a cold should be a cake walk.

Fortunately, when the sniffles struck, I had this brave thought in mind and knew exactly what I needed to do. I’ll call up mom and she’ll be right on her way with some cold and sinus meds, ready to cook me soup and steep a nice pot of soothing tea while I dive into the next episode of The Grand Tour, nestled under my blankie. Nothing to worry about. I’ll be better in no time.

*Phone begins dialling*
*Phone rings*
*Rings*
*Ringing*
*STILL RINGING*
*Beep. Voicemail.*

The panic set in quickly.

I have a class tomorrow. What if this sniffle gets worse? I think I have a bit of a headache now… oh my god, my neck is achy, I can’t breathe out of my left nostril!

Curling into a ball on my bed, all of my pompous machismo was lost. How could I be so foolish to think I could do this on my own? Why have you forsaken me to this cruel fate? What had I done to deserve this? I will die alone and scared here on these sheets. This I am certain.

But then my sister came home from work. Thank you. Thank you for hearing my prayers. As she passed by my room I let out a massive sniffle — my most desperate plea for help. Her head snapped backwards. Ah ha! My plan worked!

“Jesus Christ. You have a cold.” She slammed her door.

This is it. My final day. Oh there is so much I have missed out on, so much I could have seen and done. If you are reading this now, I have moved on from this life. Please, remember me for who I was, and not what I had become.

As it turns out, I hadn’t just contracted the common cold. I had come face-to-face with something much worse. Something sure to best any man, no matter how brave, resilient, or “adult” he is. I had succumbed to the dreaded man-cold. And there was nothing I could do about it.