Zoe Joyall Frisk up your festivities this winter by trying out these sex positions that will surely have your jingle bells ringing by the end of your night.
1. The Advent Candle
Indulge in some BDSM over the holidays by dropping hot candle wax onto your significant other. Not only will the pain in their face turn you on, but the scent of lavender-winter-pine-whatever-the-fuck-candle-you-just-lit-smell will surely be an orgasm for the nostrils as well. But remember, unleashing your inner pyro may have some legal repercussions. Be sure to use a low heat candle designed for sensual play, or you risk losing your partner via arson.
2. Candy Cane lane
Imagine yourselves as two candy canes facing each other, but one of you is flipped upside down. Whoa! Look at that! You’re 69ing! It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. If you really want to commit to this candy cane analogy, flavour your genitals with peppermint so you can really explore your creativity and overachieving qualities.
3. The Stocking Stuffer
Stuff your vagina with hot burning coal. I’m just kidding. Use a penis.
4. Ornaments for Orgasms
Use your Christmas ornaments as anal beads and become the shimmering ass you were born to be. Be sure to avoid glass ornaments because glass can break! Yikes!
5. Sitting on Santa’s Face
Here comes St. Dickolas with a mouth full of presents!
6. Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!
Reclaim the word “hoe” by becoming the most unapologetic, empowered holiday hoe this season has ever seen. Remember: the word hoe is only a social construct invented by the patriarchy to keep you ashamed of your jingle-bell-nipple-clamps and your holiday logs (whatever that could mean). No longer will you shudder every time Santa comes around to shame you and your easy-elf army.
7. Red-Nosed Reindeer
In doggy style, abruptly flip over your partner over and begin sucking their nose until it turns red. I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all Rudolph.
8. The Nativity Cream
Using a photo of the nativity scene as a reference, pull out of your partner before ejaculation and use your semen to recreate the setting of Jesus’ birth — on their body.
9. The Frosty Necklace
Similar to the pearl necklace, but takes place while a loop of Spence Diamond commercials plays almost discreetly in the background.
10. The Chocolate Nutcracker
Layer a male partner’s genitals with chocolate syrup and begin to give him oral sex. Once he seems to be enjoying your work, bite down hard on his testicles causing immense pain. I did not make this one up.
11. Ghost of Christmas Ass
Turn the bitter, miserable heart of your Scrooge into a firm believer of Christmas by using the firm gyrations of your sweet ass.
12. The North Pole
Perform oral sex on your partner with a mouth full of ice, freezing their genitals. After, begin intercourse and ponder what the purpose of the initial act was even for. Regardless, the goal is the same as the rest: let it snow, let it snow!
