SuppliedImagine having $1 million inside of your uterus — and not in an “oh you’re pregnant and that baby inside you is going to be expensive” kind of way, or an “I’m going to smuggle pounds of cocaine past airport security” kind of way either. After almost a decade to make, Colin Burn, a jeweller in Perth, Australia, has gifted the world with its first million-dollar vibrator.
Burn, 53, has dedicated years to his craft, creating luxurious sex toys for the world’s most elite pleasure seekers. Some of his pieces include the Pearl Vibe in platinum, which is priced at $36,000, or the Burn’s Diletto, made from 18-karat white gold and 400 encrusted diamonds, priced at $38,000.
Burn’s facility for combining art and sex sprung from early experiences with vibrators and dildos. He observed the cheap materials being used and (must have) thought to himself, “No, humanity. You can do better than this this rubber strap-on. Here, let me craft you a whip made of solid gold and blonde human hair,” which he proceeded to do (and then priced at $19,000). Burn’s products are created from an artistic — rather than sexual — perspective, so his work is typically showcased in galleries rather than sex shops or jewelry stores (although, couples might find his goods an exceptional alternative to a wedding ring). Thus, with an artist’s vision and jewellers touch, Burn’s quest to create the world’s first million-dollar vibrator began in 2003 — officially becoming the planet’s biggest “meanwhile” meme come to life.
“The Royal Pearl,” was designed by Burn and his business partner, Nicole Gallus, with the mentality that if a queen were to buy a vibrator, this would be the one she would purchase (Elizabeth and Beyoncé: invest in your orgasms today and receive free nipple clamps with your purchase). The vibrator is designed in the shape of a scepter and made of platinum. Diamonds and blue sapphires are encrusted and polished onto the platinum to create a smooth, refined texture. You can control the speed through a detachable device which can also be worn as a necklace (“draw me like one of your French girls. Wearing this… wearing only this”). Similar to other vibrators Burn has designed, the battery must be placed into the vibrator to turn it on and taken out when you want to turn it off — due to the unsightliness of on/off switches.
Though it was rumoured David Beckham bought his wife a $1.8 million vibrator in 2004, it was actually a vibrator that came with a $1 million ring, therefore making Burn’s creation the first to reach such a feat. So save up those paycheques and rack up your student loans, because it’s about time you treated yourself via luxurious sex toys. Even if you have to sell your car, your house, or both, sure you’ll be homeless with no proper means of transportation, but you’ll be having the best orgasms with your silver nipple clamps and diamond butt plug — and realistically, isn’t that what keeps you warm at night?
