Spooky new adventures: Role-play this Halloween

When I think about people who role play in the bedroom, I tend to imagine an older couple clinging to the remnants of their youth in a desperate attempt against Cosmo which recently declared their sex life a prehistoric artifact on its “How spontaneous are you?” quiz. I think of a couple attempting to emerge into an alternate reality in an effort to forget about all the times their spouse said “no” to sex and to forget about all the money they’ve spent on child A and child B — especially when child A is an ungrateful brat who spends her afternoons contouring her own crotch and child B is a burnout who Googles things like “Dairy Queen hours of operation.” All in all, the couple role plays to forget they’ve been looking at the same pair of genitals for the past 25 years of their lives.

Personally, I have never attempted to role play, nor have I ever felt inclined to do so. I’d like to spare my sex partner from witnessing an embarrassing verbal struggle — a curse of my personality which turns a potentially sexy phrase into a series of grunts and murmurs that could easily be misinterpreted as me having a stroke.

In spite of all this discouraging mayhem that I have been spewing, I want to encourage you to turn your Halloween into the role-playing erotica that some of us would typically fail miserably at. Halloween is the perfect time to indulge in some kinky costume sex and let your freak flag fly. Luckily, with the assistance of our sexualized society, it won’t be too hard to imagine how a ghost, or a Celtic warrior, or even a burrito could be sexy. Now, with innovative costumes such as “slutty ghost,” or “slutty Celtic warrior,” and even “slutty burrito,” we can easily see how anything could potentially be slutty — guiding you to your spooktacular orgasm.

To help guide your fantasies along, try to commit to your costume. Maintain a convincing, confident and natural demeanor. In other words, drink heavily. Drinking could make all the difference when it comes to accepting new experiences. For example, if you were playing a doctor-and-patient scene drunk, you could potentially execute a line such as, “I’ve got a really bad itch. Could you pretty please check it out?” But then sober you goes in for the kill, and ends up blurting, “I’ve got a bad case of jaundice” in a mortified panic.

The closest I’ve ever come to costume sex was a few Halloweens ago — I was intoxicated and took sensual solace in someone dressed up as a manatee. Why was I turned on by someone in a manatee costume? I have no valid explanation other than I’m fucking weird and it just seemed about right at the time.

Now, if you succeeded in your evening’s conquest, you can then reflect during your morning-after-Halloween-walk-of-shame on all the weird shit that occurred. With half your make-up and dignity gone, may as well stare inward into your soul — right into the empty shell that you used to call innocence. I mean, hey, if Rocky Horror Picture Show had taught us anything, it was to “give yourself over to absolute pleasure.”