Martin O’Malley is hot

If you’re watching the Democratic leadership race below the 49th parallel from a Canadian perspective then you’re probably aware of two opposing personalities: Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. But have you heard of Martin O’Malley? The former governor of Maryland has a certain advantage over his running-mates, and it’s not playing in a rock band, though he does that too.

Normally I try to refrain from vulgarity but I’m inclined to break that self-imposed rule in the case of Martin O’Malley. I mean the guy is fucking shredded. There simply isn’t a more suitable phrase. He is undoubtedly the most muscular politician to candidate himself for the office of the President of the United States. Perhaps tone and definition aren’t as important as decision-making and leadership, but MOM is making the case that they absolutely are.

MOM doesn’t need the U.S. Army to win battles. He could defeat all of America’s enemies with the mere power of his Washingtonian jawline. His glutes are so taut that smacking them would cause the national anthem to sound. His pecs ring with the glory of truth, justice, and the American way, and his delts flaunt liberty with every manly step. At this risk of sounding like a Dos Equis commercial, I’ll continue.

O say can you see, by his abs oh so tight, what so proudly we hailed, at the twilight’s last gleaming, whose broad back and bright eyes, through the perilous fight, o’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly sexy…

O’Malley doesn’t have the establishment support of Clinton, or the popular groundswell fuelling Sanders, but he is hotter than both of them combined and that probably counts for something. If America could elect a divorced movie star (Reagan), and an entrepreneurial bartender (Lincoln), then why not a buff, guitar-playing Marylander?