Panhandling is a perfectly legitimate means of employment

Tired of slaving away your weekends to pay for your potentially useless degree? Sick of wasting your time in stuffy lecture theatres while filling your head with facts that you’ll forget after the midterm? Instead of paying over $7,000 a year only to wind up without a job anyway, save yourself the debt and head to the streets now where a lucrative career awaits.

According to CBC News, the average Edmontonian panhandler can make up to $400 dollars a day. Exploit your talents and you can increase profits by 200 per cent! But don’t think for a second that you’re just taking the easy route — panhandling requires some serious skills. The successful panhandler needs to be somewhat of an expert in marketing, traffic analyzing, schedule coordination, economics, and psychology. Looks like those intro sociology courses you took in first year will come in handy, after all.

Begging is one option, but if you’re going to sit on the streets all day, you may as well be lazing around at your office desk. Pick up an instrument and you could contribute to the Edmontonian community! Who doesn’t love a good busker? What would Whyte Ave be without the nightly block party talent show? Let’s face it — your YouTube channel isn’t going anywhere. Unleash your talent on the streets of Edmonton!

There’s no need to be the best performer in the world. I know I always look forward to hearing my favourite offbeat drummer in the Century Park LRT station. Whatever happened to the bagpipe guy on Whyte? I miss him. Own your tone deafness and belt out your original love ballads like you were in the shower as loud as you can, because confidence is everything. The people of the street will appreciate your charisma, and probably show their gratitude for your musicality with big bucks. Who knows, your part time entertainment career could land you full-time gig. After all, Robin Williams’ fame took off after spending some time as a mime on the streets. Get creative. Those early morning commuters need something to tweet about.

Think about it: there’s no experience necessary, you set your own hours and you are your own boss! Vacation time? You’ve got it. Don’t feel like putting pants on this morning? Even better. By sharing your hidden talents, you are actively enhancing public life in Edmonton. Buskers add authenticity to the ‘night on the town’ experience. They add a ray of sunshine to a bustling morning commute. Leave your pride at the door, learn some patience, and you could embark on the most rewarding career of your lifetime, both financially and emotionally. All you need is ten gracious souls to give you a loonie per hour, and you’ve already beat minimum wage. Not to mention the tax evasion.

Free your soul. Loose yourself from the chains of student loans. Redefine what it means to be educated. You don’t need to be a struggling student or a starving artist, the street biz is always hiring.

The next time you see a fellow citizen chillin’ on the street, or jamming out at the bus stop, spare some change. Panhandling is a full-time job.