Sports

Group Commentary: Sports we’d like to see in the summer Olympics

Zach Borutski

Jamie Sarkonak

Josh Greschner

Mitch SorensenJuly 5, 2015

3 minutes read

The International Olympic Committee announced recently the three new sports that would be taking centre stage at the Rio De Janerio Summer Olympics in 2016. We’re still not even sure what kite surfing is, so we decided to make some recommendations for sports we want to see at the Olympics moving forward.

Crossfit

To all the baby oiled Reebok spokespeople who aren’t Rick Ross, you deserve to have your Olympic dreams come true. I am speaking of the mac daddies and mommies of the athletics world, Crossfit athletes.

As they clamber up outrageously high ropes and do endless chin-ups, stopping to re-gel their hair and re-sculpt their soul patches, they will inspire the next generation of athletes. The balls, sticks, and racquets now on every child’s Christmas list will be replaced with kettlebells, weight bars, and Nike Frees.

In short, we need to fulfill Reebok’s vision of creating a sport out of fitness. The man-belugas who compete in archery and the Methuselahs of skeet shooting don’t deserve the same stage as the real, modern athletes.

Much like Pierre de Coubertin’s “modern” pentathlon of the first Games, the next Olympics should showcase an event that is entirely of the moment. Whether or not that moment came and went three years ago remains to be seen. The glorification of these overly veiny, sweat-glazed gods of the arena; however, can do nothing but good for the viewing public.

To the IOC, please give these deserving athletes a chance. Lord knows their crosstrainer sponsorships don’t pay them enough; they need to show the world how hard it is to hold oneself up when your biceps out-circumference your legs. — Mitch Sorensen

Motorcycle Racing

Any new Olympic sport should bring competitors from traditionally unsuccessful sporting countries. China and the U.S. have dominated too many sports for too long: motorcycle racing should be an Olympic sport.

A common sight in many cities in Asia, South America and Europe is motorcycles weaving in between traffic at high speeds. The competition could simply take the fastest drivers and let them race on a track. Or, of course, hold a competition in which they excel the most: ripping through the dense traffic of whichever host city.

Motorcycle traffic racing would also offer the Olympics a new experience: each racer would have a camera mounted onto their head and viewers could switch from whichever racer’s perspective they like.

Like Star Wars, smaller competitors have to pass between the giants’ legs to topple them. — Josh Greschner

Lumberjack

The Olympics needs woodchopping.

When I first saw rednecks hacking away at logs on TSN, I was confused. But I soon realised these plaid-wearing individuals are part of a small group of people who are keeping the joy of survival skills alive.

Without lumberjacks, there would be no log houses. Or log fires. Trees would grow forever. These guys are the guardians of society in a world of chaotic wilderness. It’s time the IOC recognized that and honoured them by bringing the great colonial sport into the international eye.

The Olympics has plenty of odd, niche-sports already (I mean, how is racewalking a thing?). Adding woodchopping would mean Rio’s lineup would include a competitive sport that’s actually useful in the real world.

And just think of how easy it would be to get funding. I bet Axe would love to sponsor the axe-men. — Jamie Sarkonak

Web Design

You’d be surprised at how many weird sports have actually been included in the Olympic Games over the years. Sports like obstacle swimming, tandem bicycle racing, and live pigeon shooting prove that IOC organizers at least have some sort levity about the event they’re overseeing.

That sense of humour needs to be brought back, and we need to introduce web design as the newest Olympic sport. People can make anything competitive these days, so why not make a sport out of designing a website, or writing code? I think it would be great fun to watch, and anyone who’s seen that one competitive coding/drinking scene from “The Social Network” will probably agree with me.

It wouldn’t be a sport devoid of parity either – there are great web designers all over the world, so it would be a nice chance to see smaller countries get their shot at a medal without having get blown out of the water in more popular sports like swimming or track and field.

The sport could be broken down into different events, one for writing code, one for actually designing a website, and a sort of ironman/speed event, where whoever designs a browser from scratch the quickest wins a gold medal, or something like that. Give me a break, I haven’t worked out all the kinks yet. It’ll be ready for 2028 though, mark my words. — Zach Borutski