Ab SchYou might think it’s weird that a handful of NCAA basketball programs are already recruiting LeBron James’ son to join their programs, especially considering King Jr. is only 10-years old. But can you really blame them? Go search some highlight videos of this kid — he’s probably better than half of the Cleveland Cavaliers’ bench. He’s tearing up 10-year old hoops all over the country, making defenders look like they’re wearing roller blades on a freshly waxed floor. Sign the kid up now, and eight years down the road, you’ve got the best freshman in the country, no doubt. But if teams do strike out on BabyBron, here are some other kids they can get after to boost their programs.
The celebrity kid that should be on every scout’s radar, regardless of sport, is Jaden Smith. Who needs athletic talent when you have an overzealous six-year-old in the body of an overzealous 16-year-old? Jaden Smith probably won’t participate in training camp, or practice, or even games. Where Smith will shine is standing on the sidelines waxing poetic about the futility of the game, and existence in general. Most likely saying something along the lines of “how can the ball be real if our hands aren’t real” or “Daddy, put more Fresh Prince money in my trust fund.” He may not be popular with his teammates, and his tiny frame may not hold up well against his incredibly fit opponents, but Smith’s real value will shine through in his philosophical pre-game speeches. Because, really, what do athletes like more than a philosophy lesson from a child? The Twitter world certainly appreciated his boundless knowledge, so I’m sure his teammates will too. Most importantly, he’ll bring with him that sweet sweet Will Smith daddy money. Does your team need new jerseys? Just draft Jaden Smith and you’ll get them for sure. They might have his face on them, though. – Jason Timmons
Tatum Gretzky-Johnson is a no-brainer for heavy NCAA recruitment as he has good odds to win the genetic lottery with bloodlines to The Great One, Wayne Gretzky, in mother, Paulina, and a pro golfer, Dustin Johnson, for a father. Tatum Gretzky-Johnson may be only be a couple months old, but it is never too early to start recruiting a potential hockey-golf star. Gretzky-Johnson can bring the dual hockey-golf athlete combination to the mainstream, or focus on either one as he’s bound to excel with at least one of them. It’s rumoured Gretzky-Johnson already boasts the milk-drinking ability of a second-line power forward, and has also recently grabbed ahold of a toy golf club, cementing his status as a complete game changer for any top NCAA school. Top colleges should not hold back in terms of recruitment, even if that means giving grandpa Wayne the head coaching position. – Christian Pagnani
In terms of famous kids, they don’t get more famous than North West. She would be able to bring instant exposure to whatever school she chose, regardless of which program she actually ended up suiting up for. Just imagine Kanye West sitting down and watching a Wisconsin Badgers swim meet — it would be amazing. Kanye could even do weekly performances while his daughter does the back stroke — imagine hearing “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” as you’re soothed by the sound of splashing water. There would be an inevitable reality show, probably called something like “The Wests Take Wisconsin,” or maybe “Swimming in the Money Come and Find Me.” Even if North doesn’t make a career out of sports, she can follow in her mother’s footsteps and become famous while doing nothing of note, or she could also follow in her father’s footsteps, and become a college dropout. Either way, North West would be the most famous swimmer in history that isn’t an advocate for legalizing marijuana. – Zach Borutski
It may be too late to draft one of Neil Armstrong’s children, but one of his descendants should definitely be in the NBA. I know it might sound weird, but think about it: the best basketball players can jump really, really high. Having been on the moon, Neil Armstrong has jumped higher than anyone else on Earth. If his descendants can’t jump, just send them into space to train them. In fact, send his entire team into space, film it, add some Looney Tunes characters and call the whole thing Space Jam 2. Of course, jumping isn’t everything; shooting hoops also requires arm strength. His family obviously has this trait, as it’s in their name. In the end, we must think of the words that Armstrong himself spoke when he stepped onto the moon: “one small step for man, one giant leap for the Utah Jazz.” – Kevin Schenk
March Madness is just around the corner, which means it’s that time of year that you’ll find everybody screaming at their phone or laptop because their bracket just got dismantled by 14th seed South Dakota State. It’s viewed as the most exciting three weeks in college sports, but to truly test that belief I would suggest throwing a 19 year old Liam Neeson on a Cinderella team. Anything that makes that guy crack a smile deserves some serious attention. Or maybe recruit his careless daughter to Villanova and see how many ushers’ necks get broken before he realizes head coach Jay Wright didn’t actually kidnap her. Surely a tournament this exciting would pass the Neeson test, but one thing I felt has always been lacking from the tournament is the comedic factor. Yes I love the pure passion of these collegians, but I want to have a few laughs while I watch them. So why not use the celebrity appearance on the beloved kid from That’s So Raven and Cory in the House. I’d be shocked if Kyle Massey didn’t work on splashing the hoop in between takes on the Family Channel. Plus sprinting up and down the court in one of these games should help the guy shed a few cheeseburgers. Finally, if one of these schools wants to make a serious push for the title this year I recommend signing one of Harry Potter’s kids. I know this one isn’t realistic but how cool would it be to see a player yell a bunch of Latin from his baseline and see the ball go in for three. Damn cool. Plus it would leave the Washington Wizards with a no-brainer in the upcoming NBA draft. – Dan Guild
