Beer Bracket

Since The Gateway staff is comprised of poor students, we wanted to explore which cheap, domestic beer is the best value, while also being tasty. We’ve selected 16 of our favourite beers, and put them head to head in a fight-to-the-death to determine which domestic beer is the best value for those on the starving student diet.

DISCLAIMER: We are well-aware that we don’t have every single beer on the market included in this bracket. We would gladly accept your beer donations so we can redo the bracket if you feel that our financial situation offended your sensibilities.

The Losers

Boxer

Boxer takes the title of our cheapest beer on our list coming in $8.99 for a six pack. However, If you’re finding yourself short on cash your best option may be to go home. Celiacs, do not rejoice. Boxer may be the most offensive on our list, with hints of steel filings and watered-down Sunripe apple juice, not to mention a non-existent head. In the end, spend a few more dollars on something drinkable.

Canadian

Considering the patriotic name of the beer, the taste of this Canadian brew definitely doesn’t live up to it’s lofty name. It’s perplexing that Canada is such a big, beautiful country and yet the beer with our namesake is so lacking in flavour and body. While similar in flavour to Kokanee, it loses points for the bold, national name that doesn’t do Canada any justice. It’s not exactly cheap either; it fails overall to keep itself alive in this bracket.

Budweiser

Ah Budweiser, the beer of Clydesdales and adorable anti drunk driving ads. I’d be lying if I said I was thinking about horses while I was drinking it, I was mostly thinking about how Budweiser strikes a weird balance between a high quality beer you’d drink casually, and a literal can of piss that’s only used for the rowdiest games of beer pong. It has some elements of both — a wheaty aftertaste that I always associate with that one game of beer pong where you get six consecutive shots sunk against you, and an inoffensive flavour that lends itself to sipping while relaxing in your study. Overall, this means that Budweiser is an average beer, which is kind of expensive, so if you really like it, you can go nuts. But you can find better.

Rickard’s Red

For a red ale, Rickard’s has surprisingly little bite. It goes down smooth, with slightly more flavour than your standard, watery ale. You can actually pick up notes of caramel, surprising for a lower-end, non-craft beer. But while this malty beer is arguably one of the better brews in our bracket, it can’t stand up to River Valley Red’s low price to high flavour ratio.

Bud Light

You might as well drink seltzter water. If you’re not a beer drinker and are out with your friends on Whyte Ave, we guess this would be your choice. It’s light and clear, but bland. Carbonation is decent and refreshing, but so is sparkling water. The only difference is this will get you drunk. If you don’t want a beer, might as well order a highball. Or water, because Bud Light isn’t that much different.

Sleeman Honey Brown

Sleeman Honey Brown is the dark beer for people who can’t drink dark beer. It goes down like a light lager, but it has more of a harsh flavour as it travels down the tongue. It’s nice because the carbonation and taste make it nicer to sip than some of the cheaper beers on the market. But it definitely loses with it’s higher price point. It costs more for six Honey Browns than it does for a six pack of some decent craft beer. So realistically, if you’re hunting for a heavier lager, skip Sleeman, you can find better in your beer fridge.

Velvet Fog

In our Calgary-brewed play-in round of this bracket, Velvet Fog beat out Grasshopper since it had moderately more taste. It isn’t as much of an embarrassment to Alberta breweries since expectations are pretty low. That said, the taste barely diffuses through the sinuses. Such wheaty, melancholic swill will, like the buffalo-headed figure on the bottle, evoke any such colonial nightmare when aboriginal ghosts learn that natural resources are being made into something you’re going to dump down your gullet or down the sink. Velvet Fog is unsettling.

Coors Light

The only fun thing about Coors Light is the can. It has a trendy vent cap for a smooth pour, although let’s be honest, you’re drinking this from the can. The mountains also turn blue, so you should probably drink this on a ski weekend. It’s smooth to go down, and has a reliably hoppy aftertaste. The alcohol percentage comes in low, at just 4%, which means you need to drink a lot of the stuff to get reasonably turnt. Overall, pick something cheaper for a similar experience.

Runners Up

Keystone

Based on everything but taste, Keystone is a light beer. It pours golden yellow with a thin, quick disappearing head, so it definitely looks like light beer. On the nose, there’s a slight beer-like smell. If you touch it, it feels like beer. I guess it sounds like beer too.  But, as soon as you put this beer in your mouth, you’re tricked into thinking you’re drinking water. There is no mouthfeel or taste to this beer. While disappointing, it’s easy-drinking watery nature makes it perfect for drinking games.

Pabst Blue Ribbon

PBR just reminds me of hipster parties, where you find those wannabe musicians that you would never want to run into on the street. It goes down so easily because it literally tastes of nothing. If you pour it out it resembles water, but that’s why the hipsters love it – because it’s not even beer. That said, it’s cheap and does the job.

Kokanee

Well, at least their commercials are pretty funny. Let’s be honest, Kokanee isn’t very good. But is it supposed to be? Kokanee is just a cheap, mediocre sports bar beer you have because you’re like “fuck, there isn’t anything else I recognize on this menu at all so I figure I’ll have a Kokanee even though it won’t be rewarding.” You’ll enjoy drinking water more, because Kokanee tastes like old water, but since it’s smooth and easy to drink you’ll be kind of drunk pretty quickly. And if you’re drinking Kokanee, that was probably your goal anyway. Job well done.

Pilsner

Vitamin P is the lifesblood of any Saskatchewanian, and this reviewer should know. The robust and surprisingly fruity blend is not only refreshing, but evokes a vague nostalgia. This is the taste of a province, like Chris Szarka’s sideburn sweat. Greedy Alberta capitalists have decided to price Pilsner here the same as the PST-paying, formerly socialist Saskatchewananians pay now, but drinking Pilsner looks cool and people will think that rather than being a judgy, superficial city kid, you’re a rip-snortin, quad-driving, inadvertently racist farm kid. Also, every letter in ‘Pilsner’ stands for something featured on the label, so play games with dates!

Semi-Finalists

Keith’s

Let’s get it out of the way: this is not a fucking IPA. We get it, it’s available almost anywhere and is regularly on sale. The “IPA” label draws criticism from beer snobs, but their disapproval is warranted. Keith’s IPA pours a clear-ish yellow with a thin head. First whiff detects a faint hop aroma while first taste is underwhelming and not bitter at all. But Keiths is still a reasonable, refreshing sessionable beer, if you can stand being vilified by craft beer geeks at the table next to you.

Coors Banquet

Though it is admittedly one of the pricier brews in our noble contest, the pride of Golden, Colorado is unquestionably tasty. A great beer for drinking in copious quantities, the low impact of Banquet on one’s tastebuds means you can drink it all night long. However, this doesn’t mean it leaves your palate in a state of numb boredom. Subtly unctuous, with just the right balance of malt and hops to keep things interesting, Banquet tastes like the beer you want brought to you in a frosty mug with your pound of wings. Possessing a unique, golden hue and a light head, Banquet is the beer for all occasions.

Second Place: Scona Gold

Our Edmonton representative, Scona Gold holds up well next to the larger-scale domestic brews. A Kolsch, this brew has a mild hoppy taste without being bitter. It’s not too strongly carbonated, so you won’t find yourself as bloated after a bottle of Scona Gold as you might with some of the other swill in this bracket. The downside, it’s a craft beer with craft beer price. While cheaper than some, it’s still over $2.50 a beer when you buy a six pack. That said, it’s a practical beer, with enough flavour to justify sipping recreationally and light enough to be an easy drinking game choice.

Winner: River Valley Red

As I purchased this beer at the Liquor Barn on 78 street, even the woman from Venezuela (I asked) working at the till said, “In a hypothetical cheap beer college newspaper bracket, River Valley Red would certainly win due to its price as well as its intense flavour.” RVR enchants the tastebuds, as well as the wallet. There are too many melodic flourishes and chord changes to make RVR a beer pong beer, and there’s a deceptive amount of soul per fluid ounce in such a humble industrial can.